Suziecreamcheese Sings the Blues

What started out as a normal Sunday ended up with a visit to the ER. 

I am not accustomed to being the one on the receiving side of care.  I tough it out.  I get sick once in a while, and yeah, I’m a drama queen, but I like to think that I’m strong and that when I’m not strong, I can hide it.  

And then it all fell apart.  I’ve been hurting for a while, and I’ve been scared for a while.   It’s nothing – but it’s something.  My mind goes to places I don’t want to visit – what would happen to Mark, what would happen to Max, why am I planting flowers, why are we planning for a future that might not be?  

I started feeling sick and sore and tired at the Legion.  I was freezing.  It was so cold in there, and we were under the fan – I was so cold.  There was a bad egg in my chef salad, a nasty rotten egg.   The lettuce was not the best, either.  

I stared at the TV, feeling the hurt in my chest and wanting to scream “MAKE IT STOP!”  I’m tired of it!   Mark asked if I was okay and I told him I was going to the car.  I wanted to get warm, and I wanted to lie down, but I kept that part to myself.   It was warm in the car, really warm, and it soaked into my bones.   I started feeling really tired, really weak.  I wanted to lie down, but I had this picture of Mark coming out to the car and finding me and freaking out.   So I put my head on the window and told myself I’d be fine.  

You’re fine, you’ll be okay. 

When he came to car, he asked if I felt okay to drive.  I said no.  Just saying that took all my strength.  I wanted to sleep, to rest, to just put my head down and not think or feel.   He kept talking to me.  Asking me if I was okay. Telling me I was scaring him.  And then suddenly it seemed that he was pulling over and on the phone and there were strangers there pulling the car door open and asking me questions and people saying “she’s clutching her chest!” and I was crying, crying it out, scared and finally hoping someone would listen and fix me. 

I don’t think I can be fixed

Then I was in an ambulance and there were people asking questions and telling me that aspirin would help me and that it tasted like citrus – but it tasted like shit.   And that they were going to give me nitro -but I’m not having a heart attack!   I don’t want nitro, it will give me a headache!   

But they gave me nitro.  The nice man said to open my mouth and he sprayed something under my tongue.  I didn’t open my eyes.  I didn’t open my eyes for most of the ride.  I had my sunglasses on, and no one told me to take me them off.  

Apparently I don’t even mow correctly

whatever

The good

• we got to walk
• Max got to play with Keno
• I got the bathrooms cleaned
• I read two chapters of my Finance book
• macaroni salad!
• Bob and Paul might be coming for a visit!
• we have three tomatoes on the cherry tomato plant
• blossoms on the rose bush
• the weather was great – porch sitting was enabled
• got a short nap

The bad

• I’m sore
• I’m tired of being sore
• I’m tired

And so it appears that the good far outweighed the bad today

So why do I give the bad stuff so much power?

Bob was laughing at me when I was making Bear’s lunch, I told him I’m a good little wife.  He said, “yes, you are.”  I said, “it took me a long time to be a wife, I’m not about to screw it up!”  Later, when Max and I were out for a ride, I started crying from the sheer joy of my life – I have the husband I never thought I deserved – a wonderful man, who treats me like a princess, a beautiful home, and a dog who is pure joy, (when he isn’t driving me nuts!)  I am blessed.

So piffle on the twinges and aches and pains.  I refuse to let them rule my life any more.   🙂

So many memories attached to this day.  At 3:00 or so, Bear and I went out to have lunch at the Legion.  As we passed the cemetery, I said to him, “About this time, Mother would be saying, ‘let’s go cemetery hopping!’ and we’d get in the car and head out.”   Every year, the Sunday before Memorial Day, we went cemetery hopping, to see who put flowers out (and who didn’t) and to comment on the quantity and quality of the wreaths.  We had to make sure we got to the Ghent Cemetery before the VFW so we could put our own flag on Poppa’s grave, leaving no room for theirs.   (They weren’t there for his funeral, and Mother held a grudge like no one before or since.)

On Monday, there was the parade.  We got to see it twice, as it went to the cemetery and then when it meandered back to the Legion.  Then a cook out  – hot dogs, hamburgers, the usual.   Kids, dogs, family.   We usually ended up in the garage because it almost always rained. 

Today was my sister’s birthday.  She left us way too soon, and I miss her – she could always make me laugh, when she wasn’t happily pissing me off.  I loved her so much – I hope she knew that.  She promised me she would never go anywhere without me – nowhere I couldn’t go – so I guess I’m gonna go to Heaven, cuz I know for sure she’s helping the angels watch over me now. 

I never thought much about gardening.   My mother had planted flowers in the back yard, there were yew bushes in the front, and roses beside the porch, Rose of Sharon in the back yard and phlox (graveyard flower, Mother called it).  We never weeded, we never pruned, she didn’t do much beyond pick the sweet peas when they flowered, and the peonies that my father loved (and I hated).   She had a wigalia that she loved, and babied, and some bleeding hearts that a friend gave her.  There were lilies of the valley along the side of the house – my favorites, next to the roses.  

When Mother died, and the house had to be sold, I wanted to bring the plants with me.  It didn’t happen.  I moved in December, and plants can’t be dug up and replanted in Winter.   It was one of many sadnesses. 

That first Spring, Bear suggested I plant something along the sidewalk.  So off I went to the nursery, and came home with vincas – for no other reason than they were pretty.   He dug the holes, I stuck them in, and watered them.  He wanted tomato plants, so once again, off I went and got some, we planted those and watered them daily, too. 

And they grew.  And my heart healed just a little.   I watched them go from tiny little green things to big, blooming, tall, beautiful tomato plants, and gorgeous flowers.   How had I missed this all these years? 

We moved into the house and it was too late to do much that first year.  But oh, the next year!  And the year after, and the year after!   We have perennials!  We have Gerbera Daisies that are in bloom, right now!  I planted them two years ago, and they have flowers and I am delighted!  

Last year, I decided to tackle the front bank.  It’s really steep, and it’s been a very difficult section to mow because it’s so steep.   There’s a pipe sticking out of the middle, some drainage thing, and it’s pretty much in full sun.  I spent hours weeding, and transplanting clumps of Snow on the Mountain, and Dead Nettle.  It did okay last year.  Bear said that he read that things take root and in the Spring they spread.  Holy cow!    Did they ever!    It was a few weeks till I could get out there and get the weeds pulled, and there’s still a bit to do, but since I cleared most of it, the greenery has spread like crazy! 

I planted impatiens for color.  And now Bear wants to make it even bigger!  

In the process, there has been healing.  And growing.  In my heart and soul.  With every flower, this is more our home.  Every plant and every flower.