Suziecreamcheese Sings the Blues

I always think of forgiveness at this time of year.   September 11th was a day that saw the world change for so many of us.   I grew up in an era when we didn’t think about making America great, it was accepted that America was imperfect, but still the best place in the world, and that we were lucky to live here.   That Beaver Cleaver wasn’t an oddity, or a made up character, but the kid down the street.   I knew my share of Eddie Haskells, so anyone who tells you that all of the 50’s and 60’s tv shows were based on dreams and nothing to do with reality is full of shit.   I lived through Viet Nam, and the protests.   Through all that, we still held onto our belief, although we may not have expressed it, that we were invincible.  No one dared mess with us.   We were too strong, too powerful, and we just wouldn’t stand for any nonsense.    People were (and still are) dying to come here, not many are trying to escape.

Then the Towers fell.  And with them fell our illusions of safety.

I have never judged someone based on religion or skin color or who they choose to sleep with.  I’ve never felt the need to hurt someone because they didn’t agree with my beliefs.   I still can’t fathom what the purpose was behind flying planes into buildings.    Did they REALLY think it would take us to our knees for long?   Did they really not know better?   Were they honestly that stupid, or that filled with hate?

It didn’t work.   It did, however, leave residual anger behind.   Anger and grief that have never died.    Faded a bit, maybe, over the years.  But never gone away completely.

And they left behind a fear.   A fear of anyone from a certain area, no matter how innocent they may be.   When I went to Ohio a few  years ago, I stopped at a rest area near the exit for Shanksville.  On my way inside, I stopped and read the plaque that states that this is the area where the plane went down in the field.   I went inside, to get a burger for my lunch.  In line in front of me was a group of Arab men.    I found myself shaking, wanting to yell at them, ask them if they had come to see the monument to  their handiwork.   This is what the attackers accomplished.   Unreasoning fear and hatred of innocent people.   Not sure if that’s what they planned.

And on this day,  unexpectedly, I got a message from someone I’ve known for years, who cut me off without an explanation a bit over a year ago.   A message of apology, a message saying she loves me, and is sorry, and it was not my fault.    I have no idea how I’ll respond.   Forgiveness?    I don’t know if I can.

I struggle with forgiving, and forgetting, hurts done to me.   Max never held a grudge.   I, however, can hold one till it screams for mercy.

So I shall ponder the message from my former friend, and decide what I want to do about it on another day.

As for the 9/11 attackers – I will never forgive, and never forget.

I used to be the strong one, the one who could handle anything life threw at me.   I was, and still am, the one no one in my family will take on, head on, although they still try to play their stupid games thinking I won’t find out and won’t take them down before they know what hit them.   I am fierce in defense of my husband, and my dog – my dogs- It still doesn’t seem right to make that word plural.

When my mother died, my heart shattered.   I’m not  unique in this, few can experience the death of the person who carried them in her body and nurtured them without experience the most devastating pain.   It wasn’t her death that broke me, it was the aftermath.   My family, most of them, showed their true colors, their real opinions of me (useless bitch) (golddigger) (mooch) (lazy ass bitch).   The stories flew, the lies were spun, the gullible believed and still believe that I stole my mother’s money, I robbed the estate, and some even bought the story that I somehow killed my mother.

One person held me together, kept all the shattered bits of me from flying in every direction.  Together, we built a life.   Still, I was in pieces.  I was never really whole.   Max helped heal my broken heart.  He showed me that I was worthy of love, that I could love, that there was joy in the world, and beauty, and friends who didn’t care if I wasn’t perfect every moment.   He didn’t care if my hair was thinning, if I was fat, if the floors needed mopped.  He loved me even when I didn’t deserve it.

So the pieces of me slowly came together again.   Different.  Weaker in some spots, stronger in others.

Then he got sick.   I had read everything about preventing cancer in dogs, I had given him all the foods that were supposed to help, all the supplements, and still, I couldn’t stop it.  We fought so hard, and we lost.

Once again, I was shattered.   I never want to feel this pain again.   I didn’t think I would survive it.

Bear asked Max to send us a puppy.   Along came Maverick.   Broken and scarred as I am, Maverick loves me.   He climbs into my lap and his tail wags and he wiggles and bites me and he just totally loves me for no reason except I’m his Mommah and he’s just so full of joy that all that spills into the broken spots and in spite of me, healing has begun.
Love doesn’t know that you’re broken.   Love only knows that you’re you.