A week later

Posted on August 4, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

It’s been a week since the first eye. The blurry vision is a bit better, once the second eye is done I expect that to clear up – I’m praying for that anyway!!!!!! I still have pain in the morning, my eyes are apparently super dry so lots of drops during the day – and whoever decided that tip on the stupid Systane bottle was a good idea needs to be slapped, I’ve got very moisturized cheeks but not so much in my eyes! Limiting screen time is helping too. The second eye is scheduled for Monday so fingers crossed!

In other news, Maverick has developed a hot spot. Maverick also is deaf to my voice, he just looks at me and goes on merrily doing whatever he feels like. What he feels like is licking the hot spot, which will make it worse. It’s a dilemma, I don’t want to take him to the vet because he’ll get antibiotics, which always give him the runs and then he can’t go to daycare. Then he gets bored, and licks the hot spot more. I’m treating it with chlorhexidine, which is the go-to for hot spots, and he’s getting that area shaved today, so pray that it heals up quickly.

This is the kind of stuff no one realizes about grieving. It’s not just the huge, “Oh my God, he’s actually dead,” it’s the “there’s no one to help me with the dog, or the eye drops that run down my face, or figuring out why the water is dripping where the hose connects to the house.” Those are the things that can put you under.

Today it was that my eye hurt this morning. It’s always in the morning because they dry out overnight. (I’ve talked to my doctor about it) On top of all the other shit, I said “fuck this” and took a two hour nap. I’d probably still be sleeping but I got woken up by egg delivery. (Farmer has chickens, I need eggs, they show up the next day – it’s amazing!)

I have little interest in much as well. I run out of steam quickly. I know it’s been almost 3 months. It feels like 5 minutes, and 5 years at the same time.

But…… I’m starting to feel like I’m facing a new life. I’m starting to see glimmers of maybe. I’ll be okay. I have to be.

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Eye saga – part three

Posted on August 2, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

I used the gel stuff last night and the Systane drops multiple times during the day, woke up with very little pain so that’s a good thing. I’m still blurry and it’s frustrating because I was so clear the day after. I’m hearing that this is normal and so is light sensitivity. It’s getting better so I’m putting that worry on the back burner for awhile.

One of the things you’re not prepared for with grief is doing shit like this alone. I keep thinking, “If my Bear was here, this would be so much easier!” Did he spoil me? Well, yes, as a matter of fact, he did. We took care of each other. When he was sick, I knew when he needed something and when he wanted left alone. He knew that I need comforting and would hold me till I fell asleep, or make me food. One time he made mac and cheese for me. Later I told him it was really good, (it wasn’t) and he said, “well, it wasn’t as creamy as yours.” I said, knowing the answer, “How much milk did you use?” There was a pause, and then, “I was supposed to put milk in it?” (The man had never made anything but boxed crap, so for him to actually make something from scratch was a testament to how much he cared)

And Maverick. He would talk me off the ledge when I was ready to call an ambulance for Maverick (and I don’t understand why there isn’t such a thing). Now I worry and fret and get myself, and Maverick, into a tizzy. That one I’m learning to do better.

I’m cutting blocks for the two quilts, and that too is different. I have always, when making a quilt with blocks of different patterns and colors, laid it out on the floor and then called in the Bear, “I need an opinion.” He would stop whatever he was doing, come in, look it all over, and then tell me, “move that one in the right corner to the second row, third block in, move that to the 5th row, 4th block in, ” etc. And it would always work better his way. I expect there will be tears when I lay this one out.

And crying makes my eye hurt. I think I need a nap.

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The eye saga – part two

Posted on August 1, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

Apparently I have extremely dry eyes. Well, I knew that, but not the extent. I woke up this morning barely able to open my eyes, in pain and not able to tolerate light. I used the drops, which helped a bit, and put on my sunglasses. I soooooooooo want to rub my eye, but nope, not doing it. After I consulted Google, (hint, don’t consult Google) I called my eye doctor and left a message. Then stumbled to the sofa and napped for about an hour. When I woke up, the pain was nearly gone, but I’m still blurry. She called, I told her what was going on, she said “dry eyes, use Systane throughout the day.” “And don’t Google, it’ll tell you infection no matter what.” (She’s very smart)

Blurry is apparently normal and so is light sensitivity. A friend told me she wore sunglasses, inside, for over a week. So that bit of panic can subside.

In other news, Maverick appears to be actively mourning the loss of his dad. Up till now, he’s been fairly normal, and I’ve been trying to keep things as normal as possible. This past week has been anything but normal. On Sunday, my neighbor came up with the kid who cleans for me to work on the Farm-all. Not only did the activity down by the shed rile Maverick up, the visit from a teenage girl was even more exciting. And he loves the Farmer, so he was all beside himself. On Monday, he went to daycare – all good. Tuesday, one of my friends picked him up from daycare because I couldn’t drive – he adores this lady so he was all beside himself once again. I kept him home on Wednesday, I was still wearing the eye shield on my right eye and the left is just useless, so I didn’t trust myself to drive even the mile down the road to his daycare. The same friend picked me up and took me to my checkup and then visited awhile after we got home. Again, he was beside himself. To the point of humping his pillow till he’s got himself chafed – which started a chain of licking and refusing to stop. The diagnosis – from a few who seem to know more than me – (but probably don’t) – stress, and finally realizing that Daddee is gone. (It takes dogs awhile to understand this, apparently) So after a come to Jesus meeting last night about his licking, he is now just depressed.

I’m going to CVS and then cutting fabric for two twin quilts today and just letting both of us have some peace. I think people who aren’t on this journey don’t realize that it’s necessary to just sit sometimes. My friends want to keep me distracted and I love them for that – but they also have come to understand that I need to grieve, and when I ask for a day, they check in and then let me have that time. I didn’t realize before this how very blessed I am to have them.

*Yes, I will post pictures of the quilts when done. They will not be as lovely as those of a certain Bitey Dog, but I do my best!

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Eyes are strange things

Posted on July 31, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

On Monday I had my first cataract surgery. (I have two eyes, so there’s another surgery coming up.) Apparently no one thought to tell me how unbalanced I would be after one eye got fixed and the other is still very blind. I spent the first evening nearly in tears because my “bad” eye was still bad and the “good” eye, the one that got fixed, was blurry from the surgery and from the protective shield I had to wear for the first 24 hours. I couldn’t see a bloody thing clearly. Or a non-bloody thing, either. Being unable to read, crochet, do diamonds or even play a computer game, I went to bed, quite grumpy, early.

Tuesday morning I woke up, still grumpy, came down to start the plethora of eyedrops that are necessary – okay, that may be an exaggeration, it’s three separate medicines, 4 times a day for each – which necessitated removing the shield.

And Holy Mary, Mother of God!!!!!!!!!!! We live in an amazingly beautiful world!!!!!
I have worn glasses since I was 7 years old, when my mother finally believed that I didn’t really want glasses because my sisters all wore them, but that I actually could not see the blackboard in school, nor could I see the eye chart even to read the biggest letters. My vision has gotten progressively worse over time and I could not imagine ever seeing the world without thick lenses in front of my eyes. For a period of time I wore contact lenses, until I needed reading glasses as well and decided it was not worth it to have both.

A year or so ago, the doctor said that Bear needed cataract surgery. My eyes weren’t ready for that yet. He had the surgery, after the first one he said that he “could see the leaves on the trees.” I thought, “well, that’s nice, I can see green blobs.” He was thrilled with the results, couldn’t wait to the second eye to be done, and reassured me that the whole process was a piece of cake.

I was meant to have the surgery earlier this year, but when Bear got sick, everything got put on hold. He told me to get it done, but I was taking him to doctor appointments and chemo and somewhere seemingly every day, and it just wasn’t a priority.

Grieving is another strange thing. It feels like the world keeps moving while you’re stopped, unable to go forward. But you can’t go back, and trying to live on memories is not a good plan. I’ve learned that things have to continue moving forward, and that doesn’t mean “getting over it,” that’s something I will never do, it means that I can’t live my life waiting.

So I scheduled the surgery. And he was right, it’s freakin amazing. I, too, can see the leaves on the trees. Every single leaf. In all its glory. And all the beautiful colors! Driving is slightly interesting because I’m still unbalanced, but my eyes seem to be adjusting to that a bit, and I have a way cool pink eye patch with crowns on it that I made, so I can cover up the bad eye and merrily drive myself around. (I did not drive with the protective shield. I got rides and I am extremely grateful and blessed to have wonderful friends who act as my personal taxis)

The “bad” eye gets done in 10 days. I am more than ready! And Bear was also correct that the surgery is “a piece of cake.” It was over in 15 minutes, I didn’t feel a thing. And maybe I’ll stop being unbalanced! (well, that’s doubtful)

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Feeling like the weather

Posted on July 18, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

It’s a gloomy day today. Rain, thunderstorms, and the smoke from the Canadian wildfires are adding up to “let’s take a nap or read” for the afternoon. Reading may lead to inadvertent napping, by the way.

My nieces were here overnight. I was hoping they’d stay longer but we had a good visit. They took me to a winery and we did a tasting – something I’ve never done before. I’m not a big wine drinker, but it was really fun. The next day we went Mr. Ed’s Elephant Museum and Candy Emporium. I got lost one time and drove by there and I’ve wanted to go ever since. It’s about an hour drive but it was worth it. We had a ball, you can walk around the grounds – not a huge area, but everywhere you look, you find another little elephant. We were like kids, “oh, look, there’s one in the tree!” And we bought some candy, an adorable watercolor of a mamma elephant and baby, a magnet, some t-shirts, some stuff! They spent a ton of money, I was good!

And then we tried out the grill feature on my new toaster over/air fryer thing. I had two sirloin steaks in the freezer and oh my, were they delicious! There’s a ton of leftovers so steak and broccoli stir fry for dinner tonight.

It was a nice visit, and a much needed break from all the stuff. This week is car title transfers, probate hearing, hopefully setting up an estate account. Feels like I’m in the middle of a whirlwind still. 😦

While they were here, one niece asked if I would make simple quilts for her grandchildren. It’s not like I don’t have fabric! So today is reading (you already know that if you’ve been paying attention) and cutting squares for simple 9 squares.

I’m not okay by any measure. But I’m doing my best.

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Just when you think you’re doing okay

Posted on July 11, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

Reality bites you in the butt. Or in the back, in my case. After two days of chest muscle spasms and a pain in my back that wouldn’t quit, I gave in, called my neighbor at 10:30 last night, and headed to the ER. I was pretty positive it was NOT a heart attack but I was also pretty positive that I was dying. My neighbor has been one of my rocks since Mark died, he mows my fields, brings me eggs, checks in every couple of days in person and texts me every day. I call him my “bratty little brother” and our circle of friends all refer to him the same way, because he is the youngest, the only guy, and at times, the bratty little brother, but always there for all of us.

After several tests, a couple of EKG’s, blood tests, Xrays, and a CT scan, I was told it was muscle spasms from a pinched nerve in my shoulder area, given a shot of morphine and sent home. I got home at 4:00, got up at 8:00, took Maverick to daycare, went back to bed and slept till 4:00 pm.

Apparently it’s common to have a physical reaction to grief after a bit. Apparently it sucks donkey balls. I just finished reading The Grieving Brain – highly recommend – and will be starting The Grieving Body as soon as it arrives – it’s released in August in paperback. I suspect I will learn a few things.

I have been learning more than I want lately. I am, however, very grateful to God for the people He’s put in my life. The manager of my storage unit told me last week that he buys and sells football cards. I said, “I have baseball cards.” He said, “I know a guy.” I mentioned to a friend that I now own a classic car, a Trans-Am. He knows about Oldsmobiles, but, he “knows a guy.”

And then there’s my circle of friends, that seems to have grown larger since Mark left. Or perhaps it was always this big and I just didn’t know. At any rate, I am grateful beyond measure. And I pray for no more “normal” stuff unless it’s a trip to the Chinese Buffet for no reason!

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It’s a MAC machine around here

Posted on July 9, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

I’ve never had an ATM card, debit card, whatever. I’ve never needed one. Bear went to the bank every week, with his MAC card, and came home with money – which we pronounced “Mun-ay” because of a guy who worked with him at Harley. One of those silly jokes that married couples share, that makes no sense to anyone else. Yesterday I went to the bank and ordered a MAC card, then cried in the car for 10 minutes.

I always told him I didn’t know how to do anything. That was another joke between us, I had all the education, he had all the knowledge of how to actually do things like fix stuff. He told me one day that he wouldn’t mind dying but he knew I didn’t know how to do anything, and he was worried about that. (Our neighbor came to visit him the day before Mark passed and reassured him that there were plenty of people in my life who would make sure I was taken care of It eased him, visibly, although by then he was nonresponsive) (And they have taken care of me, by the way)

So this is one of the steps to starting my life without him. Baby steps are all I can manage. I still haven’t figured out what i’m supposed to do with car titles but I’ll manage. Because I have friends who know what to do.

Sadness is often overwhelming. Maverick and I tend to stare at the TV in the evenings a lot – something not like us at all Last night he brought me a ball and we played for awhile – a sign of normal returning. Not that things will ever be normal again.

We’re figuring it out. Because my mom didn’t raise weak women.

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When a month feels like a minute

Posted on June 23, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

Things no one tells you:

Time gets all weird. A month feels like both an eternity, and a minute, all at once

You lose your identlty. People think of you and your spouse as a couple, but you are in reality a whole, one, made up of two parts that overlap more and more as time passes, till sometimes it’s hard to tell where one stops and the other starts. I have been one half of “MarkandSusan” for 20 years. I don’t know how to be without the Mark half.

A simple task will turn into a memory that will cause you to weep uncontrollably for an extended period of time. (Or maybe for a minute, time is weird) I need to change a lightbulb in the dining room. No big deal, I just stand on a chair and get it done. I stand on a chair and Bear holds my hips so I don’t fall and helps me down, which always ends with me in his arms. I’m under strict orders from my friends to climb no ladders and stand on no chairs when home alone. I get that, but oh how I wish he was here to help me.

People will piss you off for the least little thing. So far, I’ve been nice to everyone except Dish Network, and they’re just assholes and I’ve never been nice to them anyway. I’m about to royally piss them off this week when I tell them I’m downgrading big time.

It is very difficult to cook for one. And eating the same meal four days in a row is just a wee tad boring. I love spaghetti but I do not wish to live on it However, meal planning is easier – tuna noodle casserole on Sunday, tuna noodle casserole on Monday, I think tuna noodle casserole on Tuesday and maybe on Wednesday, I’ll have tuna noodle casserole! (Yes, I’m capable of freezing stuff. No, I don’t feel like it right now. Don’t judge, shut up and eat your spaghetti)

Today I got email telling me that his life insurance will be paid in a few days. I knew this was about to happen but seeing it in print made everything real – new – fresh pain.

My best friend’s dad passed away a week ago. She’s having a viewing today, I want to go and I’m determined to hold myself together for her sake. I’m also certain I’m going to fail because I adored that man like he was my own dad. There has been too much death lately. If I didn’t believe in Heaven, I would be curled up in a ball in the corner. When we repeated Charlie Kirk’s admonition to make Heaven crowded, this wasn’t what I meant – can we slow down just a touch, please?

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Signs, rings and baby deer

Posted on June 19, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

Yes, I’m aware they’re called fawns. I will continue to call them baby deer, the same way I call calves baby cows. 🙂

Last week I asked Mark to please send me a sign and to please make it something unmistakable. My friends and I have talked a lot about death lately, and grieving, so many of my circle are in this dark place – I’m grateful we’re together on this journey! One of the things that comes up often is worry – are they okay? We just want reassurance that the person we love is okay, no matter how great our faith, this is a question we ask over and over.

On Tuesday, I thought I’d go out to Zales for the semi-annual inspection of the jewels, as Mark called it. My bracelets and rings have lifetime warranties but need to be inspected twice a year for any loose stones, etc. I keep them all in a pouch in our bedroom. I took them all out to make sure I had everything and then the day turned into a cluster and I had no energy to go to the mall.

On Wednesday, Momma Joan messaged and asked if I had gone yet. She likes to go along and shop at Marshall’s, she doesn’t get out there very often! So, even though I didn’t really feel like it, I said I’d pick her up in a few minutes and off we went. When we got there, I took out the pouch and started laying my bracelets, etc on the pad they put out for that. I got to the last of the bracelets, and realized there was still something in the pouch. I pulled it out.

And nearly started sobbing in the middle of Zales.

There in my hand was Mark’s class ring. It was not in the pouch the day before I slid it on my finger, knowing it would be too big. HIs hands were much bigger than mine, his wedding ring slides off my thumb even.

It fits on my index finger.

Well, that’s pretty unmistakeable!

I got home from the mall, still half way between tears and laughter, and pulled up to the garage. Umm, excuse me? A baby deer was lying on the pavement in front of the other car. A tiny, beautiful, sweet baby deer. She looked at me like “who are you?” and took herself into the woods while I sat there in awe.

I went out to GriefShare later. When I got home, she was back. She’s been here ever since. I am gobsmacked in love with this baby. And since my Bear knows how much I love the deer, I’m pretty darned sure that he sent her. She is a bit of joy in a sea of tears and I am so thankful that I can accept this gift from both my Bear and from the God who created us.

*I have contacted conservation about the baby because I feared she was abandoned. I was given instructions on what to watch for – signs that she isn’t being cared for by her mom. I was told that there are sometimes two fawns and the mom will keep one with her during the day and leave the other in a safe place, only coming back at sunrise and sunset. Since the baby consistently goes into the same place in the woods, we are fairly certain that mom is up there watching, I am not getting closer than a couple of hundred feet, if mom smells human on the baby she will reject her. I would very much like to scoop her up and kiss her sweet little head but I know better. I kinda hope she stays forever, but I’m enough of a country girl to know that probably won’t happen. But I can hope. 🙂 I also have a number to call if it becomes apparent that the baby is orphaned and a rehabilitation and rescue operation will be initiated. I’ll keep you posted!

** Update. She wasn’t here this morning, but appeared this afternoon. She has been here every day since Wednesday, today is Saturday. She looks healthy so I’m certain Mom is nearby and taking care of her. I am so stupidly in love with this baby.

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One step at a time

Posted on June 6, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

I just bought a toaster oven/air fryer. It’s okay, I used my Amazon points so it didn’t cost anything. I never buy anything big like that without asking Bear about it.

So I asked him

I know he’d say “buy the thing, we need it”

And we, I, do. I just didn’t want to buy it without him.

It’s not ever gonna be the same. It’s not ever gonna be easy. I’m taking things one step at a time. Some businesses, some people, have been easy to work with. Some have been dicks. (DIsh network, I’m lookin at you) I’m hearing that this is normal. Those dickhead businesses need to go out of business.

13 days after Bear left, a friend of mine had to say goodbye to her husband. We are sisters in sorrow, members of the Widow’s club, a club no one wants to join. In GriefShare we talked about identity. For over 20 years, it’s been “Mark and Susan” or “Susan and her Bear.” I don’t know how to be Susan without Mark.

But I’m learning. Slowly and painfully. I’m learning that I’m still me. I’m learning that I can manage to figure things out, even if I have to stop and cry and scream “WHY???????? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME??????????” before I go back to figuring it out.

I’m not okay. And I’m gonna lie and say I am. People ask, “how are you doing?” I tell them the truth. And one day the truth will be that I AM okay. Just gonna take awhile.

So, on a lighter note, a friend dragged me out to a movie and lunch the other day. We saw Michael. I didn’t have MTV back when he was starting on his own, so I heard his music but never really saw him perform. Watching the performances of his songs and the dance moves just was an entirely different experience. Amazing. I highly recommend.

Just started reading The Hail Mary Project. This is for the Fall reading group, I’m getting a head start because my brain is not working right. I’m also reading The Grieving Brain, which was recommended by a friend who had a very difficult time when her mom passed. That one I’m taking in small bites, it’s quite good but needs thought. And the brain is mush, so there’s that.

Yesterday, I had a neighbor kid come help with some cleaning. 12 years old, adorable. She had never made brownies from scratch. So after she did my floors, I taught her to make brownies using the recipe in the old Betty Crocker cookbook. We waited about 10 minutes for them to cool, cut a big piece, added some whipped cream and dug in. She took one bit, sighed and pronounced, “this is the best brownie I’ve ever eaten!” It was a moment of joy in a sea of sadness. She’ll be back next week to do some yard work for me, and I’m already thinking about what we can bake.

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