Signs, rings and baby deer

Posted on June 19, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

Yes, I’m aware they’re called fawns. I will continue to call them baby deer, the same way I call calves baby cows. 🙂

Last week I asked Mark to please send me a sign and to please make it something unmistakable. My friends and I have talked a lot about death lately, and grieving, so many of my circle are in this dark place – I’m grateful we’re together on this journey! One of the things that comes up often is worry – are they okay? We just want reassurance that the person we love is okay, no matter how great our faith, this is a question we ask over and over.

On Tuesday, I thought I’d go out to Zales for the semi-annual inspection of the jewels, as Mark called it. My bracelets and rings have lifetime warranties but need to be inspected twice a year for any loose stones, etc. I keep them all in a pouch in our bedroom. I took them all out to make sure I had everything and then the day turned into a cluster and I had no energy to go to the mall.

On Wednesday, Momma Joan messaged and asked if I had gone yet. She likes to go along and shop at Marshall’s, she doesn’t get out there very often! So, even though I didn’t really feel like it, I said I’d pick her up in a few minutes and off we went. When we got there, I took out the pouch and started laying my bracelets, etc on the pad they put out for that. I got to the last of the bracelets, and realized there was still something in the pouch. I pulled it out.

And nearly started sobbing in the middle of Zales.

There in my hand was Mark’s class ring. It was not in the pouch the day before I slid it on my finger, knowing it would be too big. HIs hands were much bigger than mine, his wedding ring slides off my thumb even.

It fits on my index finger.

Well, that’s pretty unmistakeable!

I got home from the mall, still half way between tears and laughter, and pulled up to the garage. Umm, excuse me? A baby deer was lying on the pavement in front of the other car. A tiny, beautiful, sweet baby deer. She looked at me like “who are you?” and took herself into the woods while I sat there in awe.

I went out to GriefShare later. When I got home, she was back. She’s been here ever since. I am gobsmacked in love with this baby. And since my Bear knows how much I love the deer, I’m pretty darned sure that he sent her. She is a bit of joy in a sea of tears and I am so thankful that I can accept this gift from both my Bear and from the God who created us.

*I have contacted conservation about the baby because I feared she was abandoned. I was given instructions on what to watch for – signs that she isn’t being cared for by her mom. I was told that there are sometimes two fawns and the mom will keep one with her during the day and leave the other in a safe place, only coming back at sunrise and sunset. Since the baby consistently goes into the same place in the woods, we are fairly certain that mom is up there watching, I am not getting closer than a couple of hundred feet, if mom smells human on the baby she will reject her. I would very much like to scoop her up and kiss her sweet little head but I know better. I kinda hope she stays forever, but I’m enough of a country girl to know that probably won’t happen. But I can hope. 🙂 I also have a number to call if it becomes apparent that the baby is orphaned and a rehabilitation and rescue operation will be initiated. I’ll keep you posted!

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One step at a time

Posted on June 6, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

I just bought a toaster oven/air fryer. It’s okay, I used my Amazon points so it didn’t cost anything. I never buy anything big like that without asking Bear about it.

So I asked him

I know he’d say “buy the thing, we need it”

And we, I, do. I just didn’t want to buy it without him.

It’s not ever gonna be the same. It’s not ever gonna be easy. I’m taking things one step at a time. Some businesses, some people, have been easy to work with. Some have been dicks. (DIsh network, I’m lookin at you) I’m hearing that this is normal. Those dickhead businesses need to go out of business.

13 days after Bear left, a friend of mine had to say goodbye to her husband. We are sisters in sorrow, members of the Widow’s club, a club no one wants to join. In GriefShare we talked about identity. For over 20 years, it’s been “Mark and Susan” or “Susan and her Bear.” I don’t know how to be Susan without Mark.

But I’m learning. Slowly and painfully. I’m learning that I’m still me. I’m learning that I can manage to figure things out, even if I have to stop and cry and scream “WHY???????? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME??????????” before I go back to figuring it out.

I’m not okay. And I’m gonna lie and say I am. People ask, “how are you doing?” I tell them the truth. And one day the truth will be that I AM okay. Just gonna take awhile.

So, on a lighter note, a friend dragged me out to a movie and lunch the other day. We saw Michael. I didn’t have MTV back when he was starting on his own, so I heard his music but never really saw him perform. Watching the performances of his songs and the dance moves just was an entirely different experience. Amazing. I highly recommend.

Just started reading The Hail Mary Project. This is for the Fall reading group, I’m getting a head start because my brain is not working right. I’m also reading The Grieving Brain, which was recommended by a friend who had a very difficult time when her mom passed. That one I’m taking in small bites, it’s quite good but needs thought. And the brain is mush, so there’s that.

Yesterday, I had a neighbor kid come help with some cleaning. 12 years old, adorable. She had never made brownies from scratch. So after she did my floors, I taught her to make brownies using the recipe in the old Betty Crocker cookbook. We waited about 10 minutes for them to cool, cut a big piece, added some whipped cream and dug in. She took one bit, sighed and pronounced, “this is the best brownie I’ve ever eaten!” It was a moment of joy in a sea of sadness. She’ll be back next week to do some yard work for me, and I’m already thinking about what we can bake.

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The wall of numbness

Posted on May 25, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

It’s strange – well, most things are the past couple of weeks – I know what I have to do, I make a list and I start out with good intentions. I get a couple of things done, today I put laundry away and checked emails and picked up around the house a bit, and then I hit this wall.

And I have to take a nap.

I know this is normal. I know it’s part of grieving.
It’s not normal for me. I rarely ever stop – my hands are moving, my mind is moving, I’m knitting, sewing, reading, something is happening. And now it’s not.

I’m so very grateful for my friends, they’re wrapping me up in love and comfort. So I know I’ll be okay. After I take a nap.

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Grief begins

Posted on May 22, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

I thought I knew grief. I’ve lost so many people in my life, one of the joys of a big family is having a lot of people to love, and one of the worst parts is having a lot of people to lose. I thought my heart shattered when Max died. I didn’t think I’d ever recover when my mother died. Bear held me together through those, and so many others.

There is no one to hold me together now. My friends are trying. I am blessed in so many ways.

Last night I prayed as I was driving home with Maverick, I prayed that I had been enough for my Bear, that I had loved him enough, cherished him enough, through all the years

There’s a billboard on that route that changes pictures periodically, you know the kind I mean. As we approached it, it turned totally blue – Bear’s favorite color – and words appeared in white. It said “You are enough.”

Thank you. I don’t know what more to say, just thank you.

Tonight is his service. I don’t know if I can make it through but I will give it my best. And then a new life begins. One I don’t know how to navigate, one I don’t want to live. But with God’s grace, I’ll make it the best I can.

Posted in my life | 10 Comments

Heaven is waiting

Posted on May 15, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

The Bear is going home. The battle is almost over, the party is being prepared in Heaven.

The Princess is broken and filled with grief – and gratitude, for 20 years of love and caring. Was it always easy? No, we had our battles but we always came back to each other.

As we will again, when God decides it’s my time to go home too.

Please pray for us. I may not post much for awhile, but don’t forget me.

He’s gone. Friday, May 15th, peacefully and quietly with friends and family around him. I am shattered.

Posted in family, my life, pain | Tagged | 7 Comments

Answered prayers

Posted on April 24, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

Bear lost his voice when this all started. He can talk but it’s a whisper and sometimes difficult. Lately it’s been better, raspy, but a voice.

Today he got up and said, “how’s the weather?” I said, “I haven’t been outside yet.”

And we stopped. He started to laugh, I started to laugh and cry, as he said, “MY VOICE IS BACK!”

It’s the little things that make you know that God is listening to our prayers.
Bear’s voice didn’t stay strong, but it didn’t disappear either.

And I am so very grateful to God.

Posted in my life | 6 Comments

Why am I blogging?

Posted on April 20, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

One guess.

I should be grading.

Bleah

Also, I was going to CVS and Tarjay but then I got a call that our neighbor is gonna come up with his Mennonite friends to see about putting up a railing on the porch somehow. The step into the house is high and has a lip – I know that’s not the correct term – and it’s difficult these days for Bear to get his foot up and over it because he has nothing to hold onto except the door – which moves. Also, the prodigal was coming up to mow for us. So here I am, with no excuse to not grade.

So I found one. 🙂

I was planning to sew but the flapper thing that holds the quilting bar in place has gotten loose and I can’t figure out how to fix it. But my straight lines are totally not, so that’s on hold till I can get that part fixed. (The sewing machine store is open tomorrow)

What I really want to do is take a walk in the woods. There is a deep sense of peace in our woods, a closeness to Heaven and a place where I can talk to God without interruption. So I believe I’ll finish these grades and then go have a moment.

Posted in my life | 8 Comments

More student drama and I hate grading

Posted on April 18, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

I teach accounting. If you don’t know that, you must be new here. I assign a comprehensive problem to my second level class. It requires them to do journal entries, t-accounts, trial balances and financial statements. Is it a lot of work? Yes, it is. Is this college? Why, yes, yes it is. Because I’m not a total slave driver – am I allowed to say that, slave driver? Is that now politicallly incorrect, banned, problematic? I digress. I created a template for them to use to do this homework. There are blank journal pages, t-accounts, etc. For some months, I even filled in the beginning balances in the t-accounts so they wouldn’t have to do all that.

The other day a student asked to speak to me after class. Fine, what now? She was off by $5000 in her trial balance. As the conversation went on, it became apparent that she knew where the mistake was. I realized that I had actually made the mistake when I filled in the balances for the students. I said, oh, oops, sorry.

Her reaction? “OH MY GOOOODDDDDDD!” Ummm, what? I said, “it’s okay, just take out the wrong number and it will be fine. Her response? “OH MY GOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!” This was her response 4 times. Yes, I said FOUR times.

I finally said, and I’ll probably get in trouble, “OH MY GODDD, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?” She looked astonished. Again, I said, “WELL?” She said, “well, nothing, I guess, I’ll just change the beginning balance.”

I’m still shaking my head. Like, what in the actual fuck was that?

In other news, the baking of the mayonaise cake is being postponed because we have a plethora of cookies and one whoopie pie. However, there will be lasagna for dinner. The sauce will be started at 4, and the cheese cutting will be started at about 6. Dinner will be served at approximately 8:30. Yes, we eat late. If you eat early and would like second dinner, come on over.

Meanwhile, I’m supposed to be grading midterms and homework. I would rather be sewing. Can I have an adult beverage please? Because …………..OH MY GOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDD, these kids are ……………not catching a clue

Posted in my life | 8 Comments

Students, seriously?

Posted on April 14, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

I teach accounting. My college decided a few years ago to split a 14 week course into two, 7 week courses. I do not approve. I do not get to choose. So. We now have 4 separate courses, where we used to have two.

In the first part of the current semester, there was a strike, and snow, and various and sundry acts of God that made everyone’s head fall off. Consequently the due dates for the two exams, midterm and final, were changed, and I allowed a do over for the midterm because it was seriously a cluster fucking shit show.

Fast forward to the current course. Several students take the first course, and then follow it the seconde 7 weeks with the second course. These are stand alone courses, although the first is prerequisite for the second.

A student in my first course decided to email me her midterm 30 minutes late for the current course. I was in a mood and shot back, “explain to me why I should accept this late?” It clearly states in the syllabus that no late submissions will be accepted. She sent back a long email laying out all the other things she had to do for the 9 days the midterm was open. Obviously, they were all more important than completing this exam on time. I said, nope, not accepting it. She stayed after class and tried to convince me that I should accept it. Again, I said no.

Can we assume that no one has ever told this girl no before?

The next day, I get an email stating that she’s initiating a formal appeal. She’s basing this on what happened in the previous course. Umm, no. I refrained from responding, instead I sent all of it to the Dean. Today, the Assistant Dean got back to me. He said, nope, don’t respond yet, and furthermore, she’s pretty much full of shit. Okay, he didn’t say that, but it’s what he meant.

Meanwhile, this is something I really don’t want to deal with. Geesh!

In other news, Bear got his treatment on Monday, He will be tired for a day or so and then hopefully feeling better by Thursday. I think I’ll make a chocolate cake on Friday.

*Update

I met with the student. She’s determined to take this to the next level since I refuse to “come to a compromise.” I reiterated my position and again pointed out the part of the syllabus that backs me up. She again stated her reasons for being late. I told her that none of that was a valid excuse, that she had failed to plan her time well and that frankly, it was not my problem. She doesn’t see why she can’t get partial credit. I said, no one else has received an exception and actually no one else has asked for partial credit. It was like talking to a wall. I’d bet she’s gotten a trophy for showing up all her life and she just doesn’t know how to process being told no. I’m pretty confident that it won’t go anywhere, the syllabus clearly states that there are no makeups or extensions without extenuating circumstances, which must be communicated to me. Failure to plan is not an extenuating circumstance. I pretty much said it was a waste of time, but if she wanted to do it, go for it. Hopefully she’ll learn something.

The Bear had a day yesterday, this stuff is exhausting. He slept very late today but is feeling pretty darned good today! He’s greatly looking forward to the cake, which will probably be pushed to Saturday since one of my friends is making him whoopie pies for tomorrow. I’ll share the recipe should it be a good one!

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And now we fight

Posted on April 12, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

It’s been a roller coaster, my life has, since last September.

FIrst, my adult nephew ran away from home because his soon to be ex wife is, and I mean this with all my heart, bat shit crazy. We’re talking cameras in the home so she could track his every move when she wasn’t there, a tracking app on his phone, and that’s just the beginning. She is beyond batshit crazy. If you want to see Momma Bear (and trust me, you don’t) come out, fuck with one of my kids. (No, I didn’t give birth to any of them but I am fierce when it comes to my nieces and nephews) (Half of them don’t talk to me and I’d still go to the wall for them) So thus began a battle, he was not going back and she was determined he was. Umm, no, Bitch, you will go through me – and a whole big family who circled the wagons because even when we don’t like each other, no one else gets to fuck with any of us (There is a great deal more to this story, and at some point, I’ll tell it, but not yet)

(Ask me sometime about my niece who married a guy that not one person in the family can tolerate, other than her, and not even her on some days. Just say his name and you get “No one likes him.” Every. Single. Time. Even the great nieces and nephews, most of whom have never met him, don’t like him. But I digress)

Then the Bear started feeling tired, a lot. We thought it was boredom, he really doesn’t have a lot to do these days. There’s a reason we call our home The Do-Nothing Ranch. He went to the doctor for some tests, because he has a leaky heart valve and it was meant to be replaced. We assumed this valve was one of the causes of his tiredness.

It was, but only partly. While checking the scans, the doctors discovered some “suspicious masses.” And so, the diagnosis no one wants. The Bear has cancer.

The Bear also has a wife who believes not only in the doctors and modern medicine, but in the amazing power of prayer and in miracles and in a God who heals. While he is undergoing treatment, my circle of prayer warriors is also hard at work.

With each passing day, we find more and more blessings. I didn’t realize how many people hold us in their hearts, who love us so much that they’re calling and texting and asking what they can do, and praying, every minute they’re praying.

Is it bad? Well, no one wants this! So yeah, it’s bad. But there have been so many good things, so much love, so many blessings and God winks and messages, my head is spinning. Driving home from the store, I randomly clicked on a radio station and heard this song I’d never heard – Jon Reddick singing “No Fear.” I had to pull over, I couldn’t see for the tears. And it’s become my theme, no fear – Faith over Fear, every single day.

And so we fight, because we don’t give up. Not for Bitchcakes (my name for the batshit bitch) and not for cancer. We have God on our side and one determined woman who is not ready for this love story to be done.

So if you happen to have a spare minute, send up a prayer for the Bear and me. And know that he will be healed, and we will tell the story of his recovery one day soon.

Meanwhile, the nephew chose to go back to his home, after promising me that he would stay with us and help until Bear gets back on his feet. To say that I feel used and betrayed is to put it mildly. I am struggling to accept this decision and to not lash out. He is totally oblivious to the damage he’s done to our relationship. In many ways, it’s a blessing to have him gone. I need to focus on the Bear and not on the difficulties of a teenager with a crush – when the teenager is a grown ass adult.

So I’m struggling a bit, with many emotions. But the most overriding emotion of all is love, love for the Bear and love for the One who will get us through this. And love for the nephew who has hurt my heart so very badly – in spite of it all, I still love him.

Sympathy turns me into a blubbering ball of snot, so snarky comments (yes, I’m looking at a certain follower of mine) which will make me laugh will be appreciated. I started this entry a month ago, we’re fighting and paying and counting baby steps as victories. We will get through this, together, as we have gotten through so many things in our years as a couple. (But y’all can pray like crazy anyway.) 🙂


Posted in blessings, family, learning, my life | Tagged , , , , | 12 Comments