Just when you think you’re doing okay

Posted on July 11, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

Reality bites you in the butt. Or in the back, in my case. After two days of chest muscle spasms and a pain in my back that wouldn’t quit, I gave in, called my neighbor at 10:30 last night, and headed to the ER. I was pretty positive it was NOT a heart attack but I was also pretty positive that I was dying. My neighbor has been one of my rocks since Mark died, he mows my fields, brings me eggs, checks in every couple of days in person and texts me every day. I call him my “bratty little brother” and our circle of friends all refer to him the same way, because he is the youngest, the only guy, and at times, the bratty little brother, but always there for all of us.

After several tests, a couple of EKG’s, blood tests, Xrays, and a CT scan, I was told it was muscle spasms from a pinched nerve in my shoulder area, given a shot of morphine and sent home. I got home at 4:00, got up at 8:00, took Maverick to daycare, went back to bed and slept till 4:00 pm.

Apparently it’s common to have a physical reaction to grief after a bit. Apparently it sucks donkey balls. I just finished reading The Grieving Brain – highly recommend – and will be starting The Grieving Body as soon as it arrives – it’s released in August in paperback. I suspect I will learn a few things.

I have been learning more than I want lately. I am, however, very grateful to God for the people He’s put in my life. The manager of my storage unit told me last week that he buys and sells football cards. I said, “I have baseball cards.” He said, “I know a guy.” I mentioned to a friend that I now own a classic car, a Trans-Am. He knows about Oldsmobiles, but, he “knows a guy.”

And then there’s my circle of friends, that seems to have grown larger since Mark left. Or perhaps it was always this big and I just didn’t know. At any rate, I am grateful beyond measure. And I pray for no more “normal” stuff unless it’s a trip to the Chinese Buffet for no reason!

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It’s a MAC machine around here

Posted on July 9, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

I’ve never had an ATM card, debit card, whatever. I’ve never needed one. Bear went to the bank every week, with his MAC card, and came home with money – which we pronounced “Mun-ay” because of a guy who worked with him at Harley. One of those silly jokes that married couples share, that makes no sense to anyone else. Yesterday I went to the bank and ordered a MAC card, then cried in the car for 10 minutes.

I always told him I didn’t know how to do anything. That was another joke between us, I had all the education, he had all the knowledge of how to actually do things like fix stuff. He told me one day that he wouldn’t mind dying but he knew I didn’t know how to do anything, and he was worried about that. (Our neighbor came to visit him the day before Mark passed and reassured him that there were plenty of people in my life who would make sure I was taken care of It eased him, visibly, although by then he was nonresponsive) (And they have taken care of me, by the way)

So this is one of the steps to starting my life without him. Baby steps are all I can manage. I still haven’t figured out what i’m supposed to do with car titles but I’ll manage. Because I have friends who know what to do.

Sadness is often overwhelming. Maverick and I tend to stare at the TV in the evenings a lot – something not like us at all Last night he brought me a ball and we played for awhile – a sign of normal returning. Not that things will ever be normal again.

We’re figuring it out. Because my mom didn’t raise weak women.

Posted in my life, grief | Tagged | 5 Comments

When a month feels like a minute

Posted on June 23, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

Things no one tells you:

Time gets all weird. A month feels like both an eternity, and a minute, all at once

You lose your identlty. People think of you and your spouse as a couple, but you are in reality a whole, one, made up of two parts that overlap more and more as time passes, till sometimes it’s hard to tell where one stops and the other starts. I have been one half of “MarkandSusan” for 20 years. I don’t know how to be without the Mark half.

A simple task will turn into a memory that will cause you to weep uncontrollably for an extended period of time. (Or maybe for a minute, time is weird) I need to change a lightbulb in the dining room. No big deal, I just stand on a chair and get it done. I stand on a chair and Bear holds my hips so I don’t fall and helps me down, which always ends with me in his arms. I’m under strict orders from my friends to climb no ladders and stand on no chairs when home alone. I get that, but oh how I wish he was here to help me.

People will piss you off for the least little thing. So far, I’ve been nice to everyone except Dish Network, and they’re just assholes and I’ve never been nice to them anyway. I’m about to royally piss them off this week when I tell them I’m downgrading big time.

It is very difficult to cook for one. And eating the same meal four days in a row is just a wee tad boring. I love spaghetti but I do not wish to live on it However, meal planning is easier – tuna noodle casserole on Sunday, tuna noodle casserole on Monday, I think tuna noodle casserole on Tuesday and maybe on Wednesday, I’ll have tuna noodle casserole! (Yes, I’m capable of freezing stuff. No, I don’t feel like it right now. Don’t judge, shut up and eat your spaghetti)

Today I got email telling me that his life insurance will be paid in a few days. I knew this was about to happen but seeing it in print made everything real – new – fresh pain.

My best friend’s dad passed away a week ago. She’s having a viewing today, I want to go and I’m determined to hold myself together for her sake. I’m also certain I’m going to fail because I adored that man like he was my own dad. There has been too much death lately. If I didn’t believe in Heaven, I would be curled up in a ball in the corner. When we repeated Charlie Kirk’s admonition to make Heaven crowded, this wasn’t what I meant – can we slow down just a touch, please?

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Signs, rings and baby deer

Posted on June 19, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

Yes, I’m aware they’re called fawns. I will continue to call them baby deer, the same way I call calves baby cows. 🙂

Last week I asked Mark to please send me a sign and to please make it something unmistakable. My friends and I have talked a lot about death lately, and grieving, so many of my circle are in this dark place – I’m grateful we’re together on this journey! One of the things that comes up often is worry – are they okay? We just want reassurance that the person we love is okay, no matter how great our faith, this is a question we ask over and over.

On Tuesday, I thought I’d go out to Zales for the semi-annual inspection of the jewels, as Mark called it. My bracelets and rings have lifetime warranties but need to be inspected twice a year for any loose stones, etc. I keep them all in a pouch in our bedroom. I took them all out to make sure I had everything and then the day turned into a cluster and I had no energy to go to the mall.

On Wednesday, Momma Joan messaged and asked if I had gone yet. She likes to go along and shop at Marshall’s, she doesn’t get out there very often! So, even though I didn’t really feel like it, I said I’d pick her up in a few minutes and off we went. When we got there, I took out the pouch and started laying my bracelets, etc on the pad they put out for that. I got to the last of the bracelets, and realized there was still something in the pouch. I pulled it out.

And nearly started sobbing in the middle of Zales.

There in my hand was Mark’s class ring. It was not in the pouch the day before I slid it on my finger, knowing it would be too big. HIs hands were much bigger than mine, his wedding ring slides off my thumb even.

It fits on my index finger.

Well, that’s pretty unmistakeable!

I got home from the mall, still half way between tears and laughter, and pulled up to the garage. Umm, excuse me? A baby deer was lying on the pavement in front of the other car. A tiny, beautiful, sweet baby deer. She looked at me like “who are you?” and took herself into the woods while I sat there in awe.

I went out to GriefShare later. When I got home, she was back. She’s been here ever since. I am gobsmacked in love with this baby. And since my Bear knows how much I love the deer, I’m pretty darned sure that he sent her. She is a bit of joy in a sea of tears and I am so thankful that I can accept this gift from both my Bear and from the God who created us.

*I have contacted conservation about the baby because I feared she was abandoned. I was given instructions on what to watch for – signs that she isn’t being cared for by her mom. I was told that there are sometimes two fawns and the mom will keep one with her during the day and leave the other in a safe place, only coming back at sunrise and sunset. Since the baby consistently goes into the same place in the woods, we are fairly certain that mom is up there watching, I am not getting closer than a couple of hundred feet, if mom smells human on the baby she will reject her. I would very much like to scoop her up and kiss her sweet little head but I know better. I kinda hope she stays forever, but I’m enough of a country girl to know that probably won’t happen. But I can hope. 🙂 I also have a number to call if it becomes apparent that the baby is orphaned and a rehabilitation and rescue operation will be initiated. I’ll keep you posted!

** Update. She wasn’t here this morning, but appeared this afternoon. She has been here every day since Wednesday, today is Saturday. She looks healthy so I’m certain Mom is nearby and taking care of her. I am so stupidly in love with this baby.

Posted in blessings, family, grief, wildlife | Tagged , , , , | 8 Comments

One step at a time

Posted on June 6, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

I just bought a toaster oven/air fryer. It’s okay, I used my Amazon points so it didn’t cost anything. I never buy anything big like that without asking Bear about it.

So I asked him

I know he’d say “buy the thing, we need it”

And we, I, do. I just didn’t want to buy it without him.

It’s not ever gonna be the same. It’s not ever gonna be easy. I’m taking things one step at a time. Some businesses, some people, have been easy to work with. Some have been dicks. (DIsh network, I’m lookin at you) I’m hearing that this is normal. Those dickhead businesses need to go out of business.

13 days after Bear left, a friend of mine had to say goodbye to her husband. We are sisters in sorrow, members of the Widow’s club, a club no one wants to join. In GriefShare we talked about identity. For over 20 years, it’s been “Mark and Susan” or “Susan and her Bear.” I don’t know how to be Susan without Mark.

But I’m learning. Slowly and painfully. I’m learning that I’m still me. I’m learning that I can manage to figure things out, even if I have to stop and cry and scream “WHY???????? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME??????????” before I go back to figuring it out.

I’m not okay. And I’m gonna lie and say I am. People ask, “how are you doing?” I tell them the truth. And one day the truth will be that I AM okay. Just gonna take awhile.

So, on a lighter note, a friend dragged me out to a movie and lunch the other day. We saw Michael. I didn’t have MTV back when he was starting on his own, so I heard his music but never really saw him perform. Watching the performances of his songs and the dance moves just was an entirely different experience. Amazing. I highly recommend.

Just started reading The Hail Mary Project. This is for the Fall reading group, I’m getting a head start because my brain is not working right. I’m also reading The Grieving Brain, which was recommended by a friend who had a very difficult time when her mom passed. That one I’m taking in small bites, it’s quite good but needs thought. And the brain is mush, so there’s that.

Yesterday, I had a neighbor kid come help with some cleaning. 12 years old, adorable. She had never made brownies from scratch. So after she did my floors, I taught her to make brownies using the recipe in the old Betty Crocker cookbook. We waited about 10 minutes for them to cool, cut a big piece, added some whipped cream and dug in. She took one bit, sighed and pronounced, “this is the best brownie I’ve ever eaten!” It was a moment of joy in a sea of sadness. She’ll be back next week to do some yard work for me, and I’m already thinking about what we can bake.

Posted in grief, my life | Tagged , , , , | 8 Comments

The wall of numbness

Posted on May 25, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

It’s strange – well, most things are the past couple of weeks – I know what I have to do, I make a list and I start out with good intentions. I get a couple of things done, today I put laundry away and checked emails and picked up around the house a bit, and then I hit this wall.

And I have to take a nap.

I know this is normal. I know it’s part of grieving.
It’s not normal for me. I rarely ever stop – my hands are moving, my mind is moving, I’m knitting, sewing, reading, something is happening. And now it’s not.

I’m so very grateful for my friends, they’re wrapping me up in love and comfort. So I know I’ll be okay. After I take a nap.

Posted in my life | 8 Comments

Grief begins

Posted on May 22, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

I thought I knew grief. I’ve lost so many people in my life, one of the joys of a big family is having a lot of people to love, and one of the worst parts is having a lot of people to lose. I thought my heart shattered when Max died. I didn’t think I’d ever recover when my mother died. Bear held me together through those, and so many others.

There is no one to hold me together now. My friends are trying. I am blessed in so many ways.

Last night I prayed as I was driving home with Maverick, I prayed that I had been enough for my Bear, that I had loved him enough, cherished him enough, through all the years

There’s a billboard on that route that changes pictures periodically, you know the kind I mean. As we approached it, it turned totally blue – Bear’s favorite color – and words appeared in white. It said “You are enough.”

Thank you. I don’t know what more to say, just thank you.

Tonight is his service. I don’t know if I can make it through but I will give it my best. And then a new life begins. One I don’t know how to navigate, one I don’t want to live. But with God’s grace, I’ll make it the best I can.

Posted in my life | 10 Comments

Heaven is waiting

Posted on May 15, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

The Bear is going home. The battle is almost over, the party is being prepared in Heaven.

The Princess is broken and filled with grief – and gratitude, for 20 years of love and caring. Was it always easy? No, we had our battles but we always came back to each other.

As we will again, when God decides it’s my time to go home too.

Please pray for us. I may not post much for awhile, but don’t forget me.

He’s gone. Friday, May 15th, peacefully and quietly with friends and family around him. I am shattered.

Posted in family, my life, pain | Tagged | 7 Comments

Answered prayers

Posted on April 24, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

Bear lost his voice when this all started. He can talk but it’s a whisper and sometimes difficult. Lately it’s been better, raspy, but a voice.

Today he got up and said, “how’s the weather?” I said, “I haven’t been outside yet.”

And we stopped. He started to laugh, I started to laugh and cry, as he said, “MY VOICE IS BACK!”

It’s the little things that make you know that God is listening to our prayers.
Bear’s voice didn’t stay strong, but it didn’t disappear either.

And I am so very grateful to God.

Posted in my life | 6 Comments

Why am I blogging?

Posted on April 20, 2026 by suziecreamcheese

One guess.

I should be grading.

Bleah

Also, I was going to CVS and Tarjay but then I got a call that our neighbor is gonna come up with his Mennonite friends to see about putting up a railing on the porch somehow. The step into the house is high and has a lip – I know that’s not the correct term – and it’s difficult these days for Bear to get his foot up and over it because he has nothing to hold onto except the door – which moves. Also, the prodigal was coming up to mow for us. So here I am, with no excuse to not grade.

So I found one. 🙂

I was planning to sew but the flapper thing that holds the quilting bar in place has gotten loose and I can’t figure out how to fix it. But my straight lines are totally not, so that’s on hold till I can get that part fixed. (The sewing machine store is open tomorrow)

What I really want to do is take a walk in the woods. There is a deep sense of peace in our woods, a closeness to Heaven and a place where I can talk to God without interruption. So I believe I’ll finish these grades and then go have a moment.

Posted in my life | 8 Comments