What started out as a normal Sunday ended up with a visit to the ER. 

I am not accustomed to being the one on the receiving side of care.  I tough it out.  I get sick once in a while, and yeah, I’m a drama queen, but I like to think that I’m strong and that when I’m not strong, I can hide it.  

And then it all fell apart.  I’ve been hurting for a while, and I’ve been scared for a while.   It’s nothing – but it’s something.  My mind goes to places I don’t want to visit – what would happen to Mark, what would happen to Max, why am I planting flowers, why are we planning for a future that might not be?  

I started feeling sick and sore and tired at the Legion.  I was freezing.  It was so cold in there, and we were under the fan – I was so cold.  There was a bad egg in my chef salad, a nasty rotten egg.   The lettuce was not the best, either.  

I stared at the TV, feeling the hurt in my chest and wanting to scream “MAKE IT STOP!”  I’m tired of it!   Mark asked if I was okay and I told him I was going to the car.  I wanted to get warm, and I wanted to lie down, but I kept that part to myself.   It was warm in the car, really warm, and it soaked into my bones.   I started feeling really tired, really weak.  I wanted to lie down, but I had this picture of Mark coming out to the car and finding me and freaking out.   So I put my head on the window and told myself I’d be fine.  

You’re fine, you’ll be okay. 

When he came to car, he asked if I felt okay to drive.  I said no.  Just saying that took all my strength.  I wanted to sleep, to rest, to just put my head down and not think or feel.   He kept talking to me.  Asking me if I was okay. Telling me I was scaring him.  And then suddenly it seemed that he was pulling over and on the phone and there were strangers there pulling the car door open and asking me questions and people saying “she’s clutching her chest!” and I was crying, crying it out, scared and finally hoping someone would listen and fix me. 

I don’t think I can be fixed

Then I was in an ambulance and there were people asking questions and telling me that aspirin would help me and that it tasted like citrus – but it tasted like shit.   And that they were going to give me nitro -but I’m not having a heart attack!   I don’t want nitro, it will give me a headache!   

But they gave me nitro.  The nice man said to open my mouth and he sprayed something under my tongue.  I didn’t open my eyes.  I didn’t open my eyes for most of the ride.  I had my sunglasses on, and no one told me to take me them off.