I can do this

Posted on August 7, 2013 by suziecreamcheese

I am strong enough

My heart is in pieces but I can do this

Daisy – the essence of love – is failing

And her mom wants her to go home at a place of peace, and joy, and love.   That place happens to be my field.   The field is a magical place, something I’ve only recently understood.   I knew it was magic, but I watched the enchantment fall over Jo and Daisy on Sunday, and I really knew, this place is special.

So how can we refuse her this last, wonderful, moment?

It will break my heart but I can do it.   My heart will heal.   In time.  

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Rainy days and gloomies

Posted on August 6, 2013 by suziecreamcheese

This is the kind of day that makes me melancholy.   Rainy, cold, dark.  There is little joy in this day.  I’m reminded of all the sadness that my friends are experiencing right now, all the little hurts and big aches, hearts breaking because beloved family members are soon to be gone, hearts still hurting from similar losses in the past, hearts that will never heal until forgiveness is given for some imagined slight.   

It’s a day that makes me want to curl up in my bed and cry.   

If that would make me feel better, I just might do it.   But it won’t, so I’ll pull up my big girl panties and go pretend to be an adult.

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And then came Daisy

Posted on August 6, 2013 by suziecreamcheese

One day I wandered into a special section of the Golden Retriever forum.   It’s call “Fur Dawgees onlee” and it’s just a wonderful, loving, joyful, fun place on a forum that is sometimes a bit stuffy and has some members who need a stick-up-the-ass-ectomy.  

The first person to welcome me to that chat thread was a lady with a dog named Daisy.  Daisy the fisher dog.  Daisy, who stole my heart with her big, soulful eyes, and her ears – those ears that show so much emotion.  Max has had a crunch  on Daisy from the beginning, even though she’s a bit older than him.

And so it went.   Max would flirt with Daisy, and she would humor him and life was good.   

Then Daisy went to the doctor.  I don’t know why, really.   She’s 12 years old.  And she won’t be 13.   The doctor said cancer.   Her mom’s heart broke and may never heal completely.   

Daisy’s final journey began.   She took a trip to Illinois, and smiled through it all.   The waiting began.   Each day a present, each day a knife in our hearts.  Each day watching her slowly move away from us, and each day trying to create memories that will soothe the heart when she’s gone from us.

Then came the question – did I want to meet her?   Oh, my, did I ever!   Plans were made, with joy and sadness.   Sunday arrived, anticipation.   Would they like us?  Would it be okay?  Would Max be a brat?   

Over it all there was a sense of peace.   A sense of magic.  A sense of something sweet and gentle, and serene.  They arrived.   It was good.   We went to the field – the field that gives me strength when I’m ready to give up, that centers me, that holds so many memories – of Duke, and Max, and Syd and Keno.  

And now of Daisy.  She rolled in the grass like a puppy.   She found the perfect spot – shady, dappled with sun, and settled.   We walked to the creek and she managed to get in, and then get out, laughing the entire time.   We made memories, memories that made our hearts soar, and made us smile, and made us cry just a little.

There was magic in that field.  There was magic in the day.   My heart was light, my soul was full of joy and love and peace.   Max and I took a long nap,  as Daisy and her mom made their way home.   We had a day full of joy, and sadness,  sweetness and tears.

I still feel a glow, a sense of peace.   Daisy won’t be with us much longer, but she will always be in my heart.

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and out of nowhere

Posted on July 17, 2013 by suziecreamcheese

a chondritis flare

Evil.  Pure evil.   It lets you think you’re finally over it, finally cured, and then bam, the axe to the heart.   
I’m trying not to be depressed and upset, that just makes it worse.    It’s so frustrating.   I’ve gone over a month without a flare.   

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Letting go of hurts

Posted on July 14, 2013 by suziecreamcheese

About 6 weeks ago, I was accused of being a bully.
The funny part of the whole stupid story is that the person who accused me then made it impossible for me to defend myself against her allegations – allegations that she made in a public arena which could be seen by many people we both know. I have no idea who read these comments, and whether or not they believed them, and I can’t refute them because she made the allegations, and then blocked me from seeing or responding to them.

I’m having a lot of trouble with this. I find myself thinking way too much about it, and giving moments of my life to this person’s paranoia.

I don’t know how to move past it. How is it that someone can twist my head around and get away with it like this, while thinking I’m the bad guy?

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Cold, damp, ouch

Posted on July 12, 2013 by suziecreamcheese

The good thing about it raining all day is that I don’t have to water the garden.
The bad thing is that the damp is making my bones ache – chondritis is not my friend.
Chondritis isn’t anyone’s friend!

Got a bill in the mail yesterday for a doctor visit last month. Got a phone call TODAY asking if I want to set up a payment plan. Umm, no. When we get all your stupid paperwork, we’ll pay the freakin bill! Good Lord! And the best part was when she asked me to verify my birthdate. I love when people call ME and then ask me to verify who I am.

Sir Maxwell seems to have gotten over the peeing thing. He’s acting a bit better but I can tell he doesn’t feel well. His eyes are funny. No, there’s nothing wrong with his eyes, they just don’t look right – because he doesn’t feel well. So we’ll just have a quiet day today.

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I knew it wasn’t cancer :)

Posted on July 11, 2013 by suziecreamcheese

Well, my heart knew it, but my brain went all kinds of places.   Max has this sort of weird thing on his chest – a black round thing – and it frankly scared the crap out of me.

Too many dogs have been diagnosed recently.   

Dr. Dave looked at it, touched it, squeezed it, and pronounced it……………………an inverted nipple.    I am not a religious person, rarely even do I consider myself a Christian, but let me tell you, I whispered a  “thank you, Jesus!” at that moment.   Then I told Dr. Dave I loved him.  🙂

Sir Maxwell has an ear infection.   An ugly mess, really, and I feel bad that I didn’t know how bad it is.   Dr. Dave cleaned a boatload of gunk out of his ear, gave me drops and ear wash and antibiotics and gave him a shot of cortisone.    I’m sad, but relieved.   He’s sick, but it’s not a bad sick, it’s a fix with meds sick.   Phew.   He must be feeling a bit better, he did his practice for me when I offered cheese – this is a daily routine when I fix his Dad’s lunch, Max gets a bit of cheese too.   Not for free, of course, he has to do his sits, downs, etc.   Yesterday he wasn’t even interested in cheese, so I knew something was off.   

 

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Monday thoughts on Wednesday

Posted on July 11, 2013 by suziecreamcheese

Except it’s now Thursday
I feel like a toad
I’ve been trying to eat right and I’m stuck on this stupid number and can’t get the scale to move down.
I was terribly frustrated with Max today. I shouldn’t be, he’s actually doing better. It was just one of those days when I had no patience with anything. I don’t think he feels well and I don’t know what to do to fix that. We’re going to the vet tomorrow, and I keep telling myself not to worry, but I worry anyway.
100_4138

how can you look at that face and not worry?

I should be prepping for my Fall classes and I have no ambition. I started doing some reading tonight, and Max decided he needed to go out. I decided I’d rather play with him, so there went the book.

He didn’t really want to play much. It seems like he makes everything so difficult. He can’t just go to the door to go out, he stares at me and I go to the door and he doesn’t move. I walk away from the door and he wants out. It drives me batshit crazy. I love him so much but he drives me crazy.

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well

Posted on July 8, 2013 by suziecreamcheese

A post started – and an accidental deletion

Sigh

I’m tired.  I finished the quilt tonight.  It felt like the end – of a big project, and of a friendship.  I’m sad.   I miss the days of calling each other every day, and talking for an hour.  I miss the time spent together.  I miss having someone to call friend.  
I remember how excited I was that day – when we got in the car after walking at the park – and I said to Max, “we have a friend!”   I had been so lonely – and fighting it – and denying it – because I chose this life, I chose to leave what I had known and come here and make a new life with my Bear.  I’ve been happy.  I’ve am loved.   My life is good.   

But I miss having a female friend.   I could say I don’t know how we drifted apart, but I do know.  It was after Duke died.  And after Zeke came along.   There’s been less and less time for me.  

So I thought about going back home this summer.   I thought about why I wanted to go back, and what it would cost, both monetarily and physically.  I can’t do it.  I don’t like that I can’t do it.  I could do the money part, we have no problems there, even thought I spend like a fool most days.   I just can’t do it – my chest hurts when I drive too much.  So that’s that.  

 

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When I was a kid

Posted on July 5, 2013 by suziecreamcheese

I never got picked when teams were being chosen.  I was the last one standing, the one that no one wanted, the one some team got stuck with.   I was the one they put in a position where I was gone quickly, back to the bench, back to the sidelines, back to watching the kids who could play sports, the kids who had friends, the kids who were normal.   

There was obviously something wrong with me. 

I made some friends when I moved here.  It’s been a few years. People I thought were really good friends seem to no longer have time for me.   

Something is still wrong with me.

 

And it still hurts

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