When tears to laughterM

and memories make you smile more than cry, healing has finally begun.

It’s been 16 years since my Poppa died.    For a long time, I couldn’t look at an M&M, couldn’t hear certain songs, couldn’t watch a Mets game.

It’s been 12 years since my mother died.   Everything about that part of my life caused me pain – everything except my Bear.   He stood beside me and sheltered me from as much as he could.    I wouldn’t have survived without him.

Going through pictures and throwing out some junk that I kept because I couldn’t bear to part with anything has been a recent project.
And I’ve discovered that the pictures bring back memories  – and those memories are mostly good.   Smiles, and some tears, and even a few good laughs, have resulted from this trip down memory lane.

Yesterday was Mother’s birthday.  She was remembered by the grandchildren in words on facebook, words that described her as sweet, and loving, and loved by everyone.     I smiled.    She would slap them silly for trying to make her a saint.    🙂   (Although she was pretty darned close to one in my eyes, too.)

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Challenging

I challenged a couple of friends to blog more, and then realized that this means I have to write more too!

I’ve been a slacker, for many reasons.   Two crazy classes, subjects I never taught before, students who were at times wonderful and at other times highly unco-operative, taking a class myself (and I should be working on that right now!) and all the rest of life, left little time for blogging.  

I’m glad that the semester is over.   It was stressful, trying to stay ahead of the class.    The weather made things worse.   We missed so much time, and got behind, it was a constant struggle to get anything done.   I had great expectations for that class – an upper level class should attract students who want to learn the subject.   In this case, I had a group who wanted to get a grade without putting in the work.   Yeah, that isn’t going to happen.  I’m sure that several are not happy with their grades, but they got what they earned.

So now it’s summer, six weeks off to play with fabric, play with yarn, play with the dog.   And get myself up to speed with my class – write some damned content, will ya!

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Course development and I have too many files

Teaching online is something I’ve wanted to do for a while – for a lot of reasons.   For one, it would give me the opportunity to teach more classes.   I’d never have to leave the house – and that’s a major benefit.  I really don’t like most people, so not having to deal with them face to face would be a bonus.   And the bottom line is that I love to learn new stuff, I love to be the student, and I love being online – so teaching online is the natural progression.

I got accepted into a course that’s teaching me how to teach online.  Pretty scary – it’s been a long time since I was a student.   I don’t do well at many things, but I excel at being a student.   First part of the course completed with flying colors, on to the next.   

It’s a ton of work.  It’s self directed and I am not good with time management.  Or with organization.   Yup, there’s a file on this zip drive that has my course development plan – but what the hell did I name it?   Three days into course building, creating modules and going “what the hell do I put there?”  I found it!  Yes!   Score one for me!  

Oh, crap, now I have to actually do the work.  

I’ve been very scattered tonight.   A bad walk with Max, and I’m just out of sorts.   Tomorrow will be better.   It has to be.  

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My mother’s hands

I glanced down at my hands tonight, while I was typing some notes for my class.  

I stopped typing.   I took a breath.   I had seen my hands grow old, seen the wrinkles and creases that weren’t there when I was 21.   I suddenly felt my age.  

I have my mother’s hands.   The long, narrow fingers – the hands that were never still, never empty.   They were always busy, those hands – knitting, quilting, crocheting, writing.   I miss her so – and I look at my hands and wonder – am I half the woman she was?

I hope so.   

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Drinking water

So I bought this Drinkwell fountain, for $50, and I change the filters and clean it and fill it up and put ice cubes in it and he STILL won’t drink out of the flippin thing.   

Nope.  He will stand at the freakin door and whine to go out, convincing me that he absolutely has to go pee RIGHT NOW! and when I open the door,  

Five minutes later he wants back in

I’ve had a flippin party when he actually deigns to drink from the fountain.   Treats and praise galore.   

It doesn’t last

I just don’t know what else to do and it’s driving me crazy!
Then I read on this forum that I visit how everyone drops everything whenever their dog wants attention.   Seriously?  I love my Max but I do have things I have to do, and if I stopped every time he wanted attention, I’d play with him all day long.   I wouldn’t mind doing that, but laundry doesn’t fold itself and eventually it does have to be done.   I guess I’ll stay away from that forum for a bit, I can lay enough guilt on myself without reading about how other people are way better dog owners than I am.  
Sigh

 

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walking

Oh, how we need to start walking again

Today was a disaster, enough to make me take a 6 hour nap

No, pulling me out of my chair is not acceptable

No, pulling me around the parking lot is not acceptable

No, yanking me around is not acceptable

Yes, I am out of patience with the fear-of-linoleum game

Spring, no snow, daily walks – we BOTH need them!

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Who pissed off Mother Nature?

I’m just tired

Tired of snow

Tired of canceling plans

Tired of classes being canceled

Tired of trying to figure out how to make up classes

Tired of winter

Only 20 days till Spring

And two more storms predicted – a foot of snow on Monday?   I’m too old for this shit

 

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Sundays and Springtime

Spring – what a wonderful word

Only 24 days away.   I expect a blizzard on March 22nd.   

Once again I find myself annoyed by people who are posting that they want more snow, they want a huge storm.  I thought we just had a pretty big one, 20 inches isn’t exactly a coating, folks.   I think they do it to annoy, which is annoying in itself.   

So instead of working on things for school, I’m staring at the computer and thinking that I hope those people who want a foot get one, right up their asses.   I don’t comment any more.   It’s just not worth it.   But I really do hope they get a foot.   

(Up their asses)

I just submitted my homework and I’m not feeling good about it.   But I couldn’t stress about it any more, it’s done and that’s that.  I think I’m okay, I only have to get 60% and I’m sure I did at least that.  

On to more fun!

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Fearcasting and ten feet of snow

It’s Monday and I’m sick of Winter

Yesterday, actually a week ago, the fearcasters starting talking about a massive snow storm that was gonna bury us for weeks and months and FOREVER! As it’s gotten closer, it’s gone from, “oh, crap, we were wrong, not gonna be anything at all,” back to “OH MY GOD WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!”   

I follow a couple of weather pages because I have snow anxiety and I need to know the forecast so I can worry for days instead of just hours.   A few are saying that it’s too soon to call for specific amounts.   (Thank you)   Others are screaming about blizzards and snow being measured with yardsticks.   

A few have commented, before being totally shut down, that it’s merely causing panic to talk about such huge amounts this far out.   Others are screaming that people need to be prepared!  Because WE MIGHT ALL DIE!!!!!!!!!!   

Four years ago we got back to back storms.  One dumped 18 inches, and the next one, a couple days later, dumped a foot.   I hated every minute of it.   But we survived.   We got bottled water, we got beer, we brought wood down to the patio so we could get it easily if we needed it.   

If we get a ton of snow, we’ll survive.   We don’t really need to know days and days before the event that we MIGHT get snow.  I just don’t understand the need to have updates for days in advance.   

 

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Neutral

Is the gear I seem to be in today.  Yesterday, I was a barrel of energy – I got a lot of stuff done.   I crashed at about 11:30, then read awhile, knit a bit – almost finished a cowl, it just needs to be pressed – and finally went to bed at about 3:30.   I woke up at 8:30 and couldn’t get back to sleep.   Five hours of sleep?  No way is that enough!   I got up after trying for 20 minutes to go back to sleep, futzed around till it was time to go to the chiro, and got home from there at 12:30.  

 

And I’ve been singularly useless since.   I suppose I should review for tonight.   And vacuum.  But I feel like taking a nap. 

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