Looking back and looking forward

Posted on January 2, 2013 by suziecreamcheese

It’s gonna take more than one post to get this done but I wanted to at least make a start. It’s been a crazy ass couple of weeks, and a crazy ass year. So much happened.

The first thing I think about when I think of last year is that we lost our Anna. It was in December that she told me about the cancer, and it was six months later that she was gone. Bittersweet memories – I spent as much time as I possibly could with her in those months, and every minute was wonderful, precious, filled my heart with love and joy. She was such a special lady, more so for not knowing how very special she was. I miss her so.

Max had his first (and hopefully last) hot spots. That was brutal, for both of us. For him because of the pain, for me because of the helpless feeling of knowing he was hurting and not being able to fix it.

We walked a ton! That was a good thing, but it was also a bad thing. Max pulling on me caused chondritis flares that have gotten progressively worse.

I ended up in the ER in June. I thought it was a heart attack, but it was chondritis. It was a very scary day.

Max has continued to be a joy, and a trial. I love him so, and yet he can drive me nuts.

Work has become just that, work. I don’t love it like I used to, it’s become something I do for the money. This year I had two classes that really put me to the test, I actively disliked most of the students. But then I had two classes that I adored. I guess one balanced out the other.

Snow anxiety – still working on it, but it seems to be a little better
Anxiety in general – I’m trying to remember that I can’t control the circumstances, but I can control my reaction to them.

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This week has been a true test of my serenity

Posted on December 24, 2012 by suziecreamcheese

If my life were a soap opera, this would be cliff hanger week. Things were just going along in the normal craziness, when the phone rang. My sister, with bad news. My oldest sister – usually referred to as the oldest Evil – passed away 7 years ago. Holy cow, yeah, it really was that long. So the next sister, who has rarely been evil, was calling to tell me that the oldest one’s husband had died.

A week earlier.

No one was notified. Not his oldest daughter. Not the granddaughter he raised. Only a select few were told. Another niece saw it in the newspaper, called her mom, and his oldest daughter. I called my great-niece, and had to deliver the news that the man who raised her had passed away a week earlier, and that no one had bothered to let her know.

Oh, they have a lot of excuses. They didn’t know how to get ahold of her is the best one. Odd, that. Several people know that she and I are close, and several people know how to find ME. But no one thought to call me, either.

No, this was planned. This was done to make sure she wasn’t there. Her mother was also excluded, but like J, she showed up anyway. They wouldn’t let her near the coffin. They denied her – or tried to – a last goodbye to her father. Stupidity and petty jealousy and pure greed is all that is.

But J made it to the funeral, and will soon be on her way home, to deal with her grief. Thank goodness she has good friends, who went with her to the funeral, and the viewing, and gave her a place to stay. Thank goodness for my friends, who worked overtime to keep her safe.

It’s been difficult. Someone I’ve known for nearly all of my life has passed away. I wasn’t close to him for a very long time, and he was not always a very nice person. But he was always good to me. I really didn’t much like him in later years, and I really need to work on forgiving him for allowing the Oldest Evil to do the things she did to J. So I’m grieving, too.

Added to all this is the normal Christmas stress. Yeah, it’s been a very stressful week.

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Christmas is a’comin and I got the blues

Posted on December 12, 2012 by suziecreamcheese

Again. I get the blues every year. In the spirit of “I can control my reactions,” I’m trying to not let it get to me. Today was not one of the best. Max decided to be a dog. Yes, a dog. I know he’s a dog, but when he shows his true canine nature, it tends to startle me. He may have killed something, I didn’t find a carcass, but he was eating a liver – still bloody. All day he’s been searching for it – Bear threw it far into the sticker bushes and he’s actually tried to go in there a couple times. It’s frustrating to me that he won’t listen, that I have to scream at him to get his bloody attention.

And I had to say goodbye to a great group of students. It was one of those classes that will keep me going through the rotten ones. Or make them worse.

I’m feeling old. Yesterday’s birthday was the hardest in my life. I’ve never paid much attention to numbers but something about this one – just screamed old. I can’t bring myself to say it yet, that I’m 60 years old. I’m the baby, the youngest, the kid. How did this 60 thing happen? I’m feeling a wrapping up – an ending. I feel like I should be divesting myself of stuff instead of gathering more. I find myself wondering what will happen to various things when I’m gone – more than I ever have. And wanting to make sure they go where I want them. Then I think, “will I care?” It’s all very strange all of a sudden.

I’ll muddle through. Most likely be saying the same stuff 20 years from now. If I can still see the screen on the computer!

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Reactions

Posted on November 25, 2012 by suziecreamcheese

I can’t control the weather, but I can control how I react to it.
I can’t control Max taking off into the field, but I can control my reaction to it.
I can remain calm
I can try to remain calm, anyway!
I WILL make it up the driveway, I’ve done it thousands of times.
I CAN control my reaction to this.

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Christmas – and a minor rant

Posted on November 24, 2012 by suziecreamcheese

Christmas is celebrated on December 25th, every year.  It’s a time of giving, a time of decorating trees, making donations to charities, spreading joy, and for most, in some way, celebrating the birth of Christ.  For those of us who don’t consider ourselves Christians, it’s still Christmas.  It may offend the politically correct, but it’s not X-mas, it’s not Giftmas, it’s not some holiday made up by Jerry Seinfeld, and it’s not Kwanza.   It’s CHRISTMAS.   Saying “Merry Christmas” to people simply honors the reality of the day.  

I know enough history to know that many of the Christmas traditions were taken from other religions.  I know that most people really don’t care about the religious significance of the day, anyway.  It’s a day of conspicuous consumption, of buying what you can’t afford so you can put it on Craig’s List a few months later when no one is using it.   

What’s the point of making up a stupid name like “gftmas?”   

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I feel snarky today

Posted on November 22, 2012 by suziecreamcheese

Everyone is posting about how they’re thankful for this, and thankful for that.   Bah humbug.   Why just now?  Why not every day?   There are so many things I’m thankful for every day – but right now I’d be thankful for a nap.   

I broke down and got a prong collar for Max.  He’s not a fan, but he walked pretty well with it – until we got to the corner.  My fault as much as his, he wouldn’t move because he wanted to go play, and I wouldn’t pull on the prong collar, so I had to get behind him and push him. That combined with all the Thanksgiving prep has given me a sore back and shoulders.  

Getting old is a pile of hurt.   My bones hurt, my heart hurts from the people I miss, the traditions no longer a part of my life.  My head hurts from eating chocolate yesterday.   My  brain hurts from all I still have to do.  

And I’m feeling snarky but not saying what I want – like, “If you’re making such an awesome dinner, how do you have so much time to be on facebook?”  Or, “what’s your excuse for missing THIS exam?  Who died this time?”   The sarcasm button is pushed all the way in.   But I’ll bite my tongue tomorrow, and be thankful that my brother in law is deaf – so he can’t hear what I say to myself when his back is turned.  

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Christmas and family and all that jazz

Posted on November 20, 2012 by suziecreamcheese

The Christmas hype has begun.   It’s amusing, in a way, to see the children I used to buy so much stuff for, now doing the same for their kids.  These are the kids who, once they reached the age where it was sort of expected that they would do something for the people who had provided them with gifts, and memories, and wonderful holidays, for years.   For the most part, they didn’t choose to reciprocate, or they ran to Walmart and bought some junk.   

They’re still running to Walmart and buying junk – standing in line for hours and spending money they don’t have on junk the kids won’t want a couple months from now.  But try telling them that! Whooooeeeeee the cussin out you’ll get.  

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It was snowing today

Posted on November 2, 2012 by suziecreamcheese

and I didn’t freak out

We went for a walk, and it was sort of drizzling a bit. When we got to the corner, Keno was waiting, and he and Max started to play. As we stood and watched them, it was misting more – and there was snow mixed in. My stomach fluttered a bit, and then I made a conscious effort to relax. I know – in my head – that the ground isn’t frozen, that it’s only gone below freezing a couple nights, that any snow that falls will melt before it hits the ground. That helped a lot. I know it’s coming. I know I can’t stop it. I can spend my energy worrying about it. Or I can enjoy each day as it comes.

And I feel pretty darned good about not freaking out today!

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Wednesday just became Monday

Posted on October 30, 2012 by suziecreamcheese

In spite of the reason – Frankenstorm hype – it was so nice to have two days off. I truly wish we could afford for me to stay home every day. Sigh

Well, the price we pay for the beautiful home we have is going to work nearly every day. And I do love my job, most days. So back to work we go tomorrow, to play catch up for the missed days and listen to the same question over and over, because apparently listening is no longer a skill that’s taught anywhere. And then home to take a walk with Max, have lunch, run errands, go back to teach some more.

Only five more weeks. And then a whole month off. 🙂 Is it really wrong to count the days?

And soon I’ll start counting the days to Spring. Because the snow anxiety is still a struggle. I’m trying to convince myself it’s not as bad as it’s been, that I’ve gotten some control of it, there’s yet to be any real test of that. And I’ll be quite content if it stays that way all winter!

In between little projects – pondering a hat, or a squishy sort of scarf with some fuzzy yarn I got that looks better in theory than in practice.

And I think I like this Vegas show.

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Frankenstorm?

Posted on October 28, 2012 by suziecreamcheese

Whoever came up with that should be ashamed.
Panic has ensued around here – I’ve had to put a couple on my unsub list, just can’t take their hourly updating about how nervous they are. And the hourly updates from the weather reporters are equally annoying. We know it’s gonna be bad, guys, is there really a reason to scare us all witless?

Why yes there is. It’s called ratings. Sigh

The good thing is that they’ve canceled classes for the next couple days so I get a mini vacation. Now if the power stays on, it will be wonderful. I don’t do well without running water and lights, but I’ll manage. I have no choice.

I walked in a parade today – just shy of three miles. My feet hurt at the end, and I’m quite tired, but not as bad as I thought it would be. Guess all that walking with Max is paying off.

I realized tonight that not a single member of my family has called or contacted me in any way, to express any concern about this huge storm that’s supposed to hit right on top of us. Thanks. Strangely, I’m very calm about the whole thing. It just doesn’t seem real. I’m not sure why, if intuition is kicking in, or if I’m just so tired of weather hype that I don’t believe anything they say. I’m extremely grateful that we’re not supposed to get any snow out of this. We haven’t done anything much to prepare – I bought some bottles of water so Max will have something to drink, and we filled the tub so we’ll have water to flush the toilets. That’s about it. I have tons of books, tons of yarn, plenty of batteries – I can charge the phone and the Kindles in the car, and I have tons of real books if the Kindle poops out. It will suck to have no internet, but I’ll survive. Don’t like the dark, but again, I’ll survive. We’ll just go to bed early! Kinda worried about what we’ll eat if we have no power for more than a couple days but we’ll figure something out! There’s always bread and cheese!

Or maybe it’s that I’ve gotten 5 pennies in the last two days – Mother seems to be working overtime.

Hoping everyone stays safe and this all turns out to be a lot of hype…………

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