I just bought a toaster oven/air fryer. It’s okay, I used my Amazon points so it didn’t cost anything. I never buy anything big like that without asking Bear about it.

So I asked him

I know he’d say “buy the thing, we need it”

And we, I, do. I just didn’t want to buy it without him.

It’s not ever gonna be the same. It’s not ever gonna be easy. I’m taking things one step at a time. Some businesses, some people, have been easy to work with. Some have been dicks. (DIsh network, I’m lookin at you) I’m hearing that this is normal. Those dickhead businesses need to go out of business.

13 days after Bear left, a friend of mine had to say goodbye to her husband. We are sisters in sorrow, members of the Widow’s club, a club no one wants to join. In GriefShare we talked about identity. For over 20 years, it’s been “Mark and Susan” or “Susan and her Bear.” I don’t know how to be Susan without Mark.

But I’m learning. Slowly and painfully. I’m learning that I’m still me. I’m learning that I can manage to figure things out, even if I have to stop and cry and scream “WHY???????? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME??????????” before I go back to figuring it out.

I’m not okay. And I’m gonna lie and say I am. People ask, “how are you doing?” I tell them the truth. And one day the truth will be that I AM okay. Just gonna take awhile.

So, on a lighter note, a friend dragged me out to a movie and lunch the other day. We saw Michael. I didn’t have MTV back when he was starting on his own, so I heard his music but never really saw him perform. Watching the performances of his songs and the dance moves just was an entirely different experience. Amazing. I highly recommend.

Just started reading The Hail Mary Project. This is for the Fall reading group, I’m getting a head start because my brain is not working right. I’m also reading The Grieving Brain, which was recommended by a friend who had a very difficult time when her mom passed. That one I’m taking in small bites, it’s quite good but needs thought. And the brain is mush, so there’s that.

Yesterday, I had a neighbor kid come help with some cleaning. 12 years old, adorable. She had never made brownies from scratch. So after she did my floors, I taught her to make brownies using the recipe in the old Betty Crocker cookbook. We waited about 10 minutes for them to cool, cut a big piece, added some whipped cream and dug in. She took one bit, sighed and pronounced, “this is the best brownie I’ve ever eaten!” It was a moment of joy in a sea of sadness. She’ll be back next week to do some yard work for me, and I’m already thinking about what we can bake.