Suziecreamcheese Sings the Blues

And then we were at the hospital and they were taking me out of the ambulance and I felt like I was on a roller coaster going downhill.   Finally opened my eyes, and found myself rolling down a hall.  It made me sick, so I closed my eyes again.  They put me in the hall, I curled up in a ball and wanted to go to sleep, but they kept asking me questions.  Then Mark was there, and I curled into him and held on.  

He was strong, and solid, and I was safe as long as he was there.  But I couldn’t stop crying because I caused a fuss an YOU DON’T CAUSE A FUSS!   (There’s nothing wrong with you, quit your nonsense!)

Finally a doctor came along and said they were going to do a chest x-ray and take blood and that it would be awhile.  I told Mark to go home and feed Max and tried to go to sleep.  My best friend’s daughter was suddenly there – asking me what I was doing and making me laugh.   (She’s a nurse, was on her way home when her mom texted her that I was in the ER and she turned around and came back.)

Chest x-rays clear.  Let’s do an ultra sound of the belly in case of gall bladder.  Nope, that’s fine, too.  Back to the hall.   Finally, someone came along and took blood.  And gave me a blanket.  Bless you, sweet nurse, I was very cold.   And still having random chest twinges. 

After another long wait, they moved me to another wing, the ETCU (I have no clue what that means), and left me in a room alone, where again I fell asleep.  And then Mark was there, big strong Bear of my heart, to make me better.  I cried some more.   I hate worrying him.   😦

At midnight, they took more blood and about 1/2 hour later came back and said the test was negative, no heart damage, no heart attack.  There had been a monitor on me for about 3 hours, during which I was having twinges, and nothing showed up there or on the EKG. 

They took the IV port out of my arm – which hurt like a bitch the entire time it was in there – and sent us home.   I was asleep soon after we got home.   Max was quite uninterested in the whole thing.  I felt sad that he didn’t seem to notice or care.  Sigh

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the family doctor.  Still having twinges.  Still having anxiety attacks.  Still crying intermittently.   But I’m determined that whatever this is, I’m tougher.  

And I suspect it’s only a case of tendonitis.  

What started out as a normal Sunday ended up with a visit to the ER. 

I am not accustomed to being the one on the receiving side of care.  I tough it out.  I get sick once in a while, and yeah, I’m a drama queen, but I like to think that I’m strong and that when I’m not strong, I can hide it.  

And then it all fell apart.  I’ve been hurting for a while, and I’ve been scared for a while.   It’s nothing – but it’s something.  My mind goes to places I don’t want to visit – what would happen to Mark, what would happen to Max, why am I planting flowers, why are we planning for a future that might not be?  

I started feeling sick and sore and tired at the Legion.  I was freezing.  It was so cold in there, and we were under the fan – I was so cold.  There was a bad egg in my chef salad, a nasty rotten egg.   The lettuce was not the best, either.  

I stared at the TV, feeling the hurt in my chest and wanting to scream “MAKE IT STOP!”  I’m tired of it!   Mark asked if I was okay and I told him I was going to the car.  I wanted to get warm, and I wanted to lie down, but I kept that part to myself.   It was warm in the car, really warm, and it soaked into my bones.   I started feeling really tired, really weak.  I wanted to lie down, but I had this picture of Mark coming out to the car and finding me and freaking out.   So I put my head on the window and told myself I’d be fine.  

You’re fine, you’ll be okay. 

When he came to car, he asked if I felt okay to drive.  I said no.  Just saying that took all my strength.  I wanted to sleep, to rest, to just put my head down and not think or feel.   He kept talking to me.  Asking me if I was okay. Telling me I was scaring him.  And then suddenly it seemed that he was pulling over and on the phone and there were strangers there pulling the car door open and asking me questions and people saying “she’s clutching her chest!” and I was crying, crying it out, scared and finally hoping someone would listen and fix me. 

I don’t think I can be fixed

Then I was in an ambulance and there were people asking questions and telling me that aspirin would help me and that it tasted like citrus – but it tasted like shit.   And that they were going to give me nitro -but I’m not having a heart attack!   I don’t want nitro, it will give me a headache!   

But they gave me nitro.  The nice man said to open my mouth and he sprayed something under my tongue.  I didn’t open my eyes.  I didn’t open my eyes for most of the ride.  I had my sunglasses on, and no one told me to take me them off.  

Apparently I don’t even mow correctly

whatever

The good

• we got to walk
• Max got to play with Keno
• I got the bathrooms cleaned
• I read two chapters of my Finance book
• macaroni salad!
• Bob and Paul might be coming for a visit!
• we have three tomatoes on the cherry tomato plant
• blossoms on the rose bush
• the weather was great – porch sitting was enabled
• got a short nap

The bad

• I’m sore
• I’m tired of being sore
• I’m tired

And so it appears that the good far outweighed the bad today

So why do I give the bad stuff so much power?

Bob was laughing at me when I was making Bear’s lunch, I told him I’m a good little wife.  He said, “yes, you are.”  I said, “it took me a long time to be a wife, I’m not about to screw it up!”  Later, when Max and I were out for a ride, I started crying from the sheer joy of my life – I have the husband I never thought I deserved – a wonderful man, who treats me like a princess, a beautiful home, and a dog who is pure joy, (when he isn’t driving me nuts!)  I am blessed.

So piffle on the twinges and aches and pains.  I refuse to let them rule my life any more.   🙂

So many memories attached to this day.  At 3:00 or so, Bear and I went out to have lunch at the Legion.  As we passed the cemetery, I said to him, “About this time, Mother would be saying, ‘let’s go cemetery hopping!’ and we’d get in the car and head out.”   Every year, the Sunday before Memorial Day, we went cemetery hopping, to see who put flowers out (and who didn’t) and to comment on the quantity and quality of the wreaths.  We had to make sure we got to the Ghent Cemetery before the VFW so we could put our own flag on Poppa’s grave, leaving no room for theirs.   (They weren’t there for his funeral, and Mother held a grudge like no one before or since.)

On Monday, there was the parade.  We got to see it twice, as it went to the cemetery and then when it meandered back to the Legion.  Then a cook out  – hot dogs, hamburgers, the usual.   Kids, dogs, family.   We usually ended up in the garage because it almost always rained. 

Today was my sister’s birthday.  She left us way too soon, and I miss her – she could always make me laugh, when she wasn’t happily pissing me off.  I loved her so much – I hope she knew that.  She promised me she would never go anywhere without me – nowhere I couldn’t go – so I guess I’m gonna go to Heaven, cuz I know for sure she’s helping the angels watch over me now.