And today………

Posted on April 16, 2013 by suziecreamcheese

I just don’t feel motivated to do anything.   Is it because it’s Tuesday?  Maybe, this is not a good day  of the week lately.   Is it because of the tragedy in  Boston yesterday?   Maybe that’s part of it.   I feel sort of distant from that, probably because I turned off network tv at 7 last night and watched mindless trash on other channels, until 10 or so.   There was my meltdown period, when  flashed back to 9/11 – but it was short.  Are we becoming immune to such things?   I sort of hope so, but I really hope not.

And I’m having a semi-bad chondritis day.   Reminding myself to breathe in calm, and breathe out stress, sounds really stupid, but it does help.  🙂

Rambling randomly.

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Oh, woe, my affliction

Posted on March 31, 2013 by suziecreamcheese

Yes, indeed, it is an affliction.   I don’t care what the doctors say and what the stupid websites say, this is a chronic condition, and it lasts more than a bloody month and it is NOT one and done.   

It’s called Tietze’s syndrome  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tietze_syndrome).   It translates to  “OW!” or “oh, shit, I think I”m having a heart attack!”   It mimics the symptoms of a heart attack, and yes, I had all the tests done, and my heart is quite healthy.  It’s my cartilage that isn’t.   It’s been several weeks since a flare up and I thought things were all under control. I was wrong.   It flared this weekend, sudden, flaring pain in my chest, my arms, my shoulders.   My ribs hurt.   It hurts to move.  

I have stuff to do, I don’t, as the current cute, overused phrase got, “got time for that!”   Well, the laundry got done.   A few other things got done.   No walking, no playing outside, one poor bored dog has been really good, even though I know he’s wondering why we haven’t gone anywhere or done anything for a couple days and why Mom is lying on the sofa with the heating pad.   

I’ve been doing a lot of reading about this today.   There are a lot more people with this affliction than I realized.   It seems that no one is really looking for a cure, and while there are lots of posts from people recommending various OTC things, and strange herbs and things I’ve never heard of, there isn’t much of anything I would trust other than ibuprofen and heat.  Or cold, apparently that works for some people, but it makes my pain worse.   

Strangely, knowing that other people have the same symptoms as I do makes it easier to bear them.  

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Poor Poor Pitiful Me

Posted on March 29, 2013 by suziecreamcheese

So I’m not sure what kicked off this flare, but it’s been a good one.  I slept with my heating pad last night, woke up still sore, and there go my plans for the day.   I need to vacuum and do laundry and I wanted to walk Max and go to the nursing home.  Out the window with that stuff.   Well, maybe the laundry can be managed.   Instead of doing what I want, I’m huddled in a ball with my heating pad and a book, thinking that a nap would be a wonderful thing.   

 

I really wish this chondritis would just go away.  

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Addiction

Posted on March 28, 2013 by suziecreamcheese

This is probably politically incorrect and I don’t give a fuck.   

I have a “friend” who is an alcoholic.  She fell off the wagon 4 years ago, after 17 years of sobriety.  It’s been nothing but drama since.   She won’t admit that she’s also addicted to ativan, klonopin, pain killers – any drug she can get her hands on.   Denial, denial, denial.

 

And I’m sick of it, I could give a shit at this point if she drinks herself into the hospital again. She’s ruined every vestige of friendship that ever existed with me – and I used to consider her a good friend.  She’s destroyed that, and she doesn’t seem to care.

 

Yeah, I’m supposed to be supportive and not toss her lies in her face because that makes her want to drink.  Well, fuck that shit.  

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Tired, hungry and cranky

Posted on March 23, 2013 by suziecreamcheese

Yep, it’s Saturday night

Every week, same thing

Nope, not gonna fall asleep

Sure, you’re not

And then you do

Why do I even think it might be different this week?  I just want to run away from home right now.   

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Max’s lump

Posted on March 19, 2013 by suziecreamcheese

Last week I found a lump under Max’s front right armpit, more on the chest area. Immediate panic set in. I called the vet in the morning, made an appointment. I was taking him to the groomer that day, so I had her check it – she’s been around a gazillion dogs and I trust her – she said she was 99% sure it was a lipoma but to get it checked.
Fast forward to today, with me getting more scared by the day and trying not to show it.

Doctor Dave felt the lump, immediately said “lipoma” then looked at me and said, “we need to have the lump talk.” Oh, shit. He wanted to tell me what to look for, where to look, when to be concerned. Then he said that the only way to be 100% sure was to do a needle aspiration (I think that’s the term?) and I said, “Yes, please!” Ten minutes later, tops, he came in, thumbs up, all clear, just a fatty lump.

I think I might stop crying tears of relief and hugging him sometime next year. 🙂

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And the search continues

Posted on March 16, 2013 by suziecreamcheese

I have chondritis, actually I have the worst form, Tietze’s syndrome.  I refer to it as my affliction – an appellation that makes me laugh.   It’s mostly annoying, some days it interferes with my life – those are the bad days – but for the most part I deal with it.  If you look it up, it tells you that this is something that usually lasts for a few weeks and then goes away.  HA!   I’ve had it for over a year, and from reading blogs and forums, I’m not alone.

It affects my chest, my ribs, my back, my shoulders.   Wearing a bra is an exercise in how much pain I can tolerate.   I heard about this Genie bra – so off I went to CVS to check out their “As seen on TV” section.   They had them, I bought a set, told the girl that I hoped it didn’t hurt and she said I could bring it back if I didn’t like it.  Really?  Hot damn!   I tried it today, and at first it seemed okay.   It actually seemed comfortable for a bit.  And then it didn’t.   SIgh, Another one bites the dust.   We shall now see if they really will take it back.  If not, another $20 down the drain.

On another note – one of my friends trains dogs for Seeing Eye and she teaches them this command – “ignore.”  I’ve decided I need to learn that myself.   Tonight my granddaughter posted a picture on facebook of herself and her cousin, wearing t-shirts tied up under their boobs, and skirts that were pushed down below the navel.   I commented that I didn’t think it was something that should be on facebook.   Oh, the drama.   Yeah, well, some guy I don’t know telling her to make it so only certain people can see it is not really cool, either.   But her mom thinks it’s cute – so how do I fight that?  “Ignore!”

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Not the best of days

Posted on March 15, 2013 by suziecreamcheese

I woke up hurting.   I thought that putting on a bra would help, but it was a mistake – it just made it worse.   I thought that taking Max for a walk would make me feel better.  It made it worse.  I had fallen asleep with the heating pad on my ribs and it took forever to shake the groggy feeling.   So I thought we’d go for a walk when I got back from groceries, because I was feeling guilty and thinking that it wouldn’t make me feel any worse.   Yeah, it did.  I lost my patience, lost my temper, and came very close to leaving Max at the park.   Sigh

And I’m worried about him, about the lump I found, and if one more person tells me how their dog went from being perfectly healthy to dead in 2 weeks, I may just scream.

And to top it off, one of my favorite people in the world – well, she used to be – fell off the wagon 4 years ago and it’s been drama after drama since.   She’s currently in another crisis and I’m fucking sick of it.

Cranky.  Yes, hurting makes me cranky.   And frustration makes me cranky.   I’m frustrated with hurting, and with Max not listening, and with students and just with not having enough time to do what I want.   Sigh

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This and that and then the other

Posted on March 12, 2013 by suziecreamcheese

The groomer is 99% positive it’s a lipoma, but I called the vet anyway.  Can’t hurt to be sure.   He’s very tired now, getting groomed takes a lot out of him.   And we’ve been busy since last Wednesday, my plan is to keep him occupied during the day so he’ll be calmer at night, and maybe he’ll start to see me as more than the giver of treats and start listening a bit better.   

I got another block finished – 31 down, 50 to go.   I plan to get the 4th row done this week.   I can do it!   

I got offered a third class today for Fall.  Yay, me!   

The plan for tomorrow is to take a walk, go to Petsmart, do some training, make a new recipe for supper, and work on practice sets for class.  

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Please be a lipoma

Posted on March 11, 2013 by suziecreamcheese

Just found a lump under Max’s armpit – and from what I’m reading online, it seems like a lipoma.   

He has the groomer tomorrow, so I’ll have her check on it.  And then we’ll most likely be off to the vet.   

I’ve dreaded this.   But I’m strangely calm.   

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