Beginnings

Posted on January 14, 2019 by suziecreamcheese

It snowed last night.   It was only about an inch, there’s talk of a blizzard this weekend, and so my winter anxiety begins along with the talk of snow.

Classes start tomorrow.  I have an afternoon class this semester.  Afternoon classes tend to be more difficult than evening classes for me.   Maybe it’s because I’m a night owl, so a class that starts at noon is an early class for me.   Maybe it’s just a different mix of students – evening students tend to be older and more serious, day students tend to be younger and less interested in the subject, and more interested in their phones.

This isn’t a blanket description – some of my most difficult students have been women in their 40’s and one veteran who told me I couldn’t fail him because he was a veteran.   I respect and admire all those who serve and keep our country safe – but that doesn’t guarantee you an A in my class if you never show up, never do any homework and never take an exam.   Some of my best students have been millenials, those kids who are working hard every day and wondering why they don’t have what their parents and grandparents have – because no one has told them that you don’t get all the “stuff” till you’re in your 30’s or probably your 40’s, unless you’re really lucky.

But I do get a plethora of “Mom and Dad are paying my tuition and I don’t give a flip” students during the day.   I’m not terribly patient with them.   Put your damned phone down and pay attention, or don’t cry to me when you don’t understand the material that I covered 10 minutes ago while you were texting your friends about how boring this class is.

So I go into the first class with high hopes and the full expectation of those hopes being dashed by the second week.   Also, weather is predicted, something like 18 inches of snow for next Wednesday.   If that holds, we will have one week of classes, Monday off for MLK and probably Wednesday for snow.   I love starting off already behind!

Meanwhile, Maverick and I continue to work on heel in our own way.   He is very quick to get into position on my left side.   He is also very quick to grab treats from my hand when we go “forward.”   Baby steps – a few steps without a treat, around a corner, start over, and I’m a happy woman.

Also, 65 days till Spring!   Not that I’m counting!   (damn skippy I’m counting!)

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Randomly ranting about rescue

Posted on January 12, 2019 by suziecreamcheese

I think, if I see one more “adopt, don’t shop” post, I am going to throw up, loudly, explosively, and messily.

In the past few days, I’ve had 3 encounters with dogs at the park that have not gone well.  I am no expert in dog behavior, see previous posts about training with Maverick if there’s any doubt about that, but I know enough to know that what you don’t know can get you bitten.   I always ask, from a good distance, if it’s okay to approach a dog I’ve never met.  If the owner says no, I smile, thank them, and keep moving.  They know their dog, I don’t.  I will never ever say, “it’s okay, all dogs love me,” even though most of them do.   I will never approach a dog I don’t know unless I know it’s okay to do so.

Two little dogs and one German Shepherd – each time I asked and was told that it was fine to say hi.   Two little dogs and one German Shepherd have sniffed my hand, and then snarled and snapped – I am old but quick in the face of danger and damn, I can move fast when teeth are approaching.   In each case, the owners have said, “OH!  I didn’t expect that, but he (or she) is a rescue and we think was abused so we’re not sure what the triggers might be.  You might smell wrong, or maybe it’s your hat, scarf, underwear, who knows?”

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!   You DON’T know, so don’t TELL ME it’s OKAY to approach your dog when you have no clue what will set him or her off.

My best friend rescued a yellow Lab.   He was abused, we know this and we know some of what was done, but not all.   He is an amazing, wonderful dog – now.   It’s taken a lot of training, a lot of love, and a lot of patience to get him to where he is.   I would not recommend approaching him without doing exactly what she tells you because you may lose a hand.   When I met him, a bond clicked into place and there is little that I can’t do with him – I can hug him, when no one else dares – I was one of the first people he gave a kiss – and I love him as much as I love Maverick, and as much as I loved Max.

I am not opposed to “rescuing” a dog.   I am opposed to people acting like they’re sainted because they didn’t go to a breeder, because they took in an animal whose background they know nothing about, and then exposing other people and the dog to situations where they have no clue about how that dog will react.   Was it my underwear that set off the German Shepherd?  I have no idea.  AND NEITHER DO THEY!   Telling me, after I was nearly bitten, that “oh, she’s weird like that sometimes” is not going to make me feel better if I’m bleeding.

We don’t meet the criteria for most rescues.   We also knew what kind of dog we wanted, both with Max and with Maverick.   We wanted the temperament of a Golden Retriever.  We went to a breeder and we bought a puppy.   There was no better dog on this planet than Max.   Maverick, right now, is a handful and a half, but I know that when he’s grown, he will be equally as awesome as Max was.   I know that because I know his pedigree, his bloodlines, his history – what he likes, what will make him scared, what will make him uncomfortable.    I knew in my soul that Max would never bite anyone.   I know that Maverick will put up with far less than Max would, and I know the signs that he’s had enough and it’s time to leave a situation.   I know this, because I’ve known him since he was a few weeks old.

Don’t judge me for shopping.  I won’t judge you for adopting as long as you know what you’re doing and don’t put me, or my puppy, in danger.

 

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Stupid weather

Posted on January 10, 2019 by suziecreamcheese

We were scheduled to start tomorrow with a private trainer but the weather is not co-operating.   I hate Winter.

So after a great deal of thought, we’re going to start over.  Again.

And I think it’s going to be mostly on me.   That’s okay, I trained Max with little help, I can train Maverick.   I’m still grieving, I miss Max more than most people can imagine.   Maverick is not replacement.   I love him as hard as I loved Max, maybe more.   I felt that bond snap into place the first time I picked him up, just as I felt it with Max.   Max was independent – he loved me but he didn’t need me.  Maverick most definitely needs me.   And I need him.

Tomorrow we’re going to start slowly working on “heel.”   We’re going to do crate games – because he doesn’t want to go in for me and it makes me sad that he seems to view it as something awful.   So, setting goals, and having low expectations, key words for awhile.

Where’s my planner?  I need to write down our routine!

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And a wonderful walk was had

Posted on January 7, 2019 by suziecreamcheese

by me.   It seems some days that training a puppy is two steps forward and three steps back.   Lately, walking has been singularly unsuccessful.  After another day of having my arm yanked out of the socket, or so it seemed, I decided it was time to take a break.   Maybe I expect too much.  Maybe he’s not ready.   Maybe there are too many distractions.  Whatever the reason, it’s become less than joyful to take a walk with Maverick, for both of us.

So today, I took myself to the park.  I walked 4 miles, down from my previous 6 before Maverick came home, but up from my recent 1 or 2 with him.   It was a good walk – something I’ve missed, a time to just be with myself and solve the problems of the world and feel good about sweating off some pounds.

When I got home, it was an hour of ball playing to make up for the lack of exercise for Maverick, but aside from him barking at me the whole time, it was a good hour, too.

I’ll figure out the walking thing, but not today.   And probably not tomorrow either.  I need my walks, and we need to enjoy them, not have them be an exercise in frustration.   We’ll get there.

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Planners and plans

Posted on January 2, 2019 by suziecreamcheese

About a month ago, with the grand idea of getting totally organized about this puppy training thing, I bought a planner just to record our progress and our failures, to write down what worked and what didn’t.

I started out well, I wrote down my goals and plans – in a notebook, because putting them in the actual planner was too much like making a real commitment.  I was going to start on January 1st.

Life got in the way of that plan.   I’m calling a trainer tomorrow about lessons, and that’s my excuse for not totally committing to putting this all on paper – yet.   Perhaps tonight, when the house is quiet and someone isn’t barking at the coffee pot, I can write things into the real book.

I got another planner, too, one for stuff that has nothing to do with puppy training.   I got a refill for the planner I use every single day, no matter what.

Why, I wonder, do I need so many planners?  Maybe I feel in control?  One of them is a coloring book, so it’s kind of my excuse to color instead of really planning anything.   Whatever the reason, I do love buying planners.

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Another year older, another year wiser, another year gone

Posted on January 2, 2019 by suziecreamcheese

It was not the best of years. There were too many losses and not enough victories. My best friends lost parents, had spouses diagnosed with strange illnesses, had surgeries. One is still dealing with a medical issue that has been causing her difficulty all year.

 

Too many pets crossed the Bridge. I always think that if we get past January, we’re safe. It was February that Max got sick. I still remember that day – he wouldn’t get up, wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t move from the rug by the door. I think I knew then that he was dying, but my head wouldn’t accept what my heart was saying. The next few months are a blur, still – grief takes those memories and dims them, or we wouldn’t be able to function. I can feel his fur when I lay beside him, telling him it was okay, go find Duke, wait for me – I’ll be with you again one day, you’ll run to me and we’ll dance together in the field and Daddy will laugh and we’ll all be together again. I miss you so, my Beautiful Boy.

May – a month that never holds many smiles for me – brought us Maverick and a touch of joy, a bit of healing to my shattered heart. June brought him home, my bright, happy, curious, confident little guy – my little red angel with so much mischief in those eyes, and so much love in that heart – all for me, only me, his Mommah who can’t be away from him for a minute without him looking for me. My shining Little One, who makes me smile on the worst of days.

Work was a test of my patience. More bad news – friends losing parents, friends fighting medical issues, more deaths.

I thought we’d come through the worst when we got to December, and then the news from home that my brother in law had suddenly died.

A trip to NY, reconnecting with family – maybe my heart, that was broken so badly when my mother died, can finally heal.

My hopes for this coming year are simple. Let us be well, let us leave old hurts behind, let our hearts heal.

Let us all be okay.

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A shameless plug

Posted on December 31, 2018 by suziecreamcheese

One of my dear friends just started a blog

https://steven-speaks.com/?%3F%3F

and you really need to follow her. 🙂

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A sparkle of light in a pile of darkness

Posted on December 29, 2018 by suziecreamcheese

It’s been a long, sad, week.

The backstory – my sister and I haven’t spoken in several years. A lot of stuff went on when my mother died, a lot of lies were told, a lot of lies were believed and a lot of people chose to believe the worst about others. (I most likely was as guilty as the others. ) It often seemed as if I were alone against my entire family, with little support from anyone.

Time went on, hurts festered, nothing was said because talking about things is NOT how my family works, and years passed in silence.

Last week my brother in law died, suddenly. I loved that man, he was a genuinely nice guy who was almost universally loved, although he had a sharp wit, and could be as sarcastic and impatient as easily as he could spend hours explaining something to a child.

There was little discussion about me going to his funeral – I knew from the minute I was told of his death that I would be there, that I had to be there, that nothing would be right for any of us if I wasn’t. The weather – I checked obsessively – because I hate snow and that would have been the only thing that kept me away.

Wednesday came clear and bright, with nothing but rain in the forecast. A six hour drive took me home. Home to a sister who can only be described as fragile. This has taken a toll on her, and it scares me.

We hugged, and talked, her kids, her grandkids, and me. We laughed and cried and it was like nothing had ever happened except overnight we all got a bit grayer. I left yesterday morning, after coffee and talk with my sister, more hugs, and a promise to keep in touch.

I intend to keep that promise. I rarely make New Year’s resolutions but this one I make and this one I’ll keep – I will call the two strong women who helped shape who I am, monthly, if not more often, from now on. My life is better with them in it – for all their faults and quirks, they are who they are and I love them with all their cracks and flaws.

So out of sadness comes some peace. Thank you for that, Douglas. See you on the other side.

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Melancholy

Posted on December 24, 2018 by suziecreamcheese

I miss Christmas. I miss spending time looking for the perfect present – hoping it was perfect, anyway – and the look of joy when someone opened a package and delighted that I knew what to get for them.

My brother in law loved chocolates. I bought him home made chocolates from a lady who made them in her kitchen and sold them from her home. They were amazing – and not terribly expensive – and he loved them. I told him that Emily Post said that if someone gives you something like that, you don’t have to share it, you just have to mention it when gifts are shown around – as they always were in my family. “What did you get?” “ohhhhh! that’s so cool!” He opened the box of candy with great delight, tucked it under his chair and would bring it out whenever anyone new came around, saying, “Susan gave me these” and tucking the box back under the chair without offering anyone a sample.

It annoyed my sister no end. It made me laugh, and it’s a memory that’s made me smile today.

My mother made chocolate covered creams every year. It was a three day process, and she loved it. Everyone looked for those candies every year – I ate my fill while she was making them, looking totally innocent and proclaiming that someone had to make sure they tasted as good as last year’s batch!

We spent days wrapping. Christmas Eve always saw the frantic rush to sew on buttons, cast off that last stitch, sew that last seam because it seemed like a really good idea to make that something last week, and now the hours are counting down.

We spent the day traveling – brunch with one sister, then back home to unload the car because THAT sister loved to shop and loved to give presents and there would so much to bring home. Reload the car and off to the next sister, who had so little that her kids sometimes didn’t have a gift till we arrived.

The oldest sister was last. She had no Christmas spirit, and could suck the joy out of the day for everyone else. One year she put up an artificial tree in a spare bedroom so she could shut the door and not look at it when no one was around. The Grinch had nothing on her. Still, I gave her presents. I made her placemats one year – she used them till they wore out and even though she didn’t express any gratitude, the sight of them on her table made me smile, because maybe just once, I did something that pleased her. It happened very rarely.

“Just give me money,” is the refrain of the last few years. It saddens me. I have so many things that I hold, and look at, and remember who took the time to choose that just for me. I have turtle necks that my sister bought for me and I still remember how we laughed the day we went shopping and she bought them without me knowing they were for me. I have a small glass bottle, with a tiny ceramic pig inside, that one of my nephews gave me – it makes me think of him every time I move it, and I remember the year he gave it to me. “A pig in a bottle?” “Yes, Auntie, you NEED a pig in a bottle!” And so I have one.

Will they someday look at a one hundred dollar bill and think, “wow, I remember the year I got that for Christmas! It was awesome, I spent it all at Starbucks!”

Sadness, melancholy, missing days that were sweeter, and simpler, and more joyful – and trying not to ruin what’s left of the day for others.

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May the Angels sing you home

Posted on December 22, 2018 by suziecreamcheese

I’m not sure you believed in them, but that doesn’t matter. As if Christmas wasn’t already a time of sadness this year, word comes that someone I loved for many a long year, has suddenly died.

No warning, no time to say goodbye, no last “I love you.” Just a phone call, “I have bad news.” Tears falling all day, reaching out to those who’ve been estranged, finding common ground in shared grief – is the only good thing to come of this.

It won’t last, but for now, we hurt together. I may not make the funeral, traveling to NY at this time of year is not the best of ideas – between snow and holiday traffic, it will probably be a nightmare. And the Bear doesn’t want me to go. My heart wants to be there, but my brain is saying to think it over – no one will hold it against me. (Well, they probably will, but they’ll fake it unless they’re talking when I’m not there, and then I won’t know and won’t care.)

The tears continue to fall, as they have so often this year. January has long been the month I feared. And then February – a month of snowstorms that lock us into our house, with a driveway that’s impassible, the chance of losing power and the constant stress of forecasters screaming about the end of the world unless we all stock up on toilet paper. Max got sick in February this year. I knew – even as my mind denied it – my heart knew he would be gone by the end of the year, by summer. I knew. March brought appointments with the vet, chemo, watching him try so hard to stay with me and just being so tired. He left us in April.

May brought Maverick. The one happy event this year, surrounded by the anniversary of my father’s death, and my mother’s birthday, a reason to smile again.

June brought Maverick home – and brought sleepless nights and worry and crazy puppy antics and more worry and tears and missing Max and loving this bundle of energy who has no idea that he isn’t the first and best dog to ever live in this house.

But there was sadness still – friends who lost parents, diagnoses of strange diseases, loved ones aging and failing.

Days pass, we think they’re infinite. We think we have forever to do the things we want, and to call tomorrow, say we’re sorry, talk it out, “go there.”
Then the phone rings, and there are no more tomorrows and no more chances and was it worth it to hold onto that anger for so long?

My niece hasn’t spoken to me in several years. I don’t know why. I told her brother to give her a hug, and that I hoped that maybe she could let things go, that whatever was the problem could be resolved. He told me not to count on it.

Another thing to think about – if she doesn’t want me at the funeral, what do I do? Does her misplaced anger deny me the chance to comfort my sister, my nephew, my great nephews and great niece?

And in all this, will the man who was my friend, and my big brother, be forgotten? I will remember him, and tell the stories, and pray that the angels sang him home – and that he’s having a beer with Poppa, or maybe a few.

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