I just bought a toaster oven/air fryer. It’s okay, I used my Amazon points so it didn’t cost anything. I never buy anything big like that without asking Bear about it.
So I asked him
I know he’d say “buy the thing, we need it”
And we, I, do. I just didn’t want to buy it without him.
It’s not ever gonna be the same. It’s not ever gonna be easy. I’m taking things one step at a time. Some businesses, some people, have been easy to work with. Some have been dicks. (DIsh network, I’m lookin at you) I’m hearing that this is normal. Those dickhead businesses need to go out of business.
13 days after Bear left, a friend of mine had to say goodbye to her husband. We are sisters in sorrow, members of the Widow’s club, a club no one wants to join. In GriefShare we talked about identity. For over 20 years, it’s been “Mark and Susan” or “Susan and her Bear.” I don’t know how to be Susan without Mark.
But I’m learning. Slowly and painfully. I’m learning that I’m still me. I’m learning that I can manage to figure things out, even if I have to stop and cry and scream “WHY???????? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME??????????” before I go back to figuring it out.
I’m not okay. And I’m gonna lie and say I am. People ask, “how are you doing?” I tell them the truth. And one day the truth will be that I AM okay. Just gonna take awhile.
So, on a lighter note, a friend dragged me out to a movie and lunch the other day. We saw Michael. I didn’t have MTV back when he was starting on his own, so I heard his music but never really saw him perform. Watching the performances of his songs and the dance moves just was an entirely different experience. Amazing. I highly recommend.
Just started reading The Hail Mary Project. This is for the Fall reading group, I’m getting a head start because my brain is not working right. I’m also reading The Grieving Brain, which was recommended by a friend who had a very difficult time when her mom passed. That one I’m taking in small bites, it’s quite good but needs thought. And the brain is mush, so there’s that.
Yesterday, I had a neighbor kid come help with some cleaning. 12 years old, adorable. She had never made brownies from scratch. So after she did my floors, I taught her to make brownies using the recipe in the old Betty Crocker cookbook. We waited about 10 minutes for them to cool, cut a big piece, added some whipped cream and dug in. She took one bit, sighed and pronounced, “this is the best brownie I’ve ever eaten!” It was a moment of joy in a sea of sadness. She’ll be back next week to do some yard work for me, and I’m already thinking about what we can bake.
Suziecreamcheese Sings the Blues 
You’ve been on my mind. I’ve been wondering how you’re holding up. It’s so nice that you found a young person to help out! And it’s kind that you are looking for ways to mentor her. This will be great for both of you.
How is Maverick? I imagine it is hard to meet all his needs when they were previously shared. I’m praying for strength for you to establish a new routine with him.
While I don’t have experience with losing a spouse, I have experience with losing part of myself. It is very difficult to figure out who you are when your identifying features are gone. Spending time with friends sounds like a good place to start your memory journey!
Bear is still with you. You just can’t see him from where you’re standing. ❤️🩹
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Maverick is adjusting. Slowly. I’m figuring things out. It’s not easy but I have so much help. It’s one day at a time
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Glad so many are there for you!
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It’s good to hear from you, you are in my prayers for comfort as you go through grief.
You and your helper should make Cherry Nut Bread. It’s really a cake like texture baked in a bread pan. (for nut allergies you can omit the nuts)
1 medium bottle of Maraschino cherries (chop the cherries in half), 1 cup chopped nuts (I use pecans), 1 cup liquid (maraschino juice + the rest milk), 1/2 cup shortening, 1 1/4 cup sugar, 3 eggs, 2 3/4 cups flour, 2 tsp baking powder, 1/2 tsp salt. Cream sugar and shortening together, add eggs, sift flour with salt and baking powder, then alternately add flour and liquid, it will be thicker. Add chopped cherries and nuts last. Bake at 350 degrees in a bread loaf pan for 45 min to 1 hr. Check with a tooth pick for doneness after 45 min. This is so yummy!!!
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Oh my!! I will ask if she likes cherries. She is such a sweet child. I told her that most kids don’t like talking to older people and she said ” oh, I learn so much!” She’s such a blessing. She told me another neighbor taught her how to feed a horse. Today I talked to that neighbor who said, “I’d really like to teach her to ride but I’m not sure she’s interested.” I said, “she sure is!” In the depths of grief, I feel like she’s been sent to me to ease my heart a bit.
Thank you for prayers. This is so very hard.
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Hope you enjoy the cherry nut bread, the cherry syrup from the jar gives it a wonderful cherry flavor and the milk gives it a nice fine texture and it is soooo yummy!
The Savior has special ways to meet our needs, your new friend seems to be one of them. The Savior knew things would be hard for us here as we learned to be like Him, so he promised comfort. How he gives it depends on our individual needs. He has your precious husband and my precious son with Him, and He knows everything will be ok, we just can’t see it yet, and we miss them so much. Sometimes I think of my son on a trip and he will just be gone for a while. I miss the phone calls, he better give me a big hug when my turn comes to go “home” or I’ll give him what for!
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Before he passed I told Mark I was jealous because he was going to get to meet Jesus first.
Thank you- it’s a comfort to think that we’re being cared for, that in our pain and grief we’re seen and heard by the One who went through so much for us.
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I continue to keep you in my prayers as you navigate this journey of loss. I’m glad you bought yourself something new to use, and also that you found a young one who can be of help to you and also mentor her at the same time. Can’t wait to hear about what you two will bake together next!
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