A year ago

You told us you didn’t feel well, that something was wrong, that you were tired and just couldn’t get up. I knew, in my heart, that time was short. I knew you would soon be leaving us. I wouldn’t allow myself to say it, I wouldn’t face it, I wouldn’t let you go without a fight.

Forever, never leave me, never leave you.

I wasn’t going to let you go, you were gonna be the one who beat this. We fought so hard, you and I. We fought the bitch and we lost.

The first steps on the walk of pain were taken a year ago today. Two months later your walk was done. You ran – away from the pain, away from the sadness, into the light. You took my heart with you.

Shattered, broken, in pieces. I didn’t want to breathe any more. Only one thing kept me going, the love of a good man who was just as broken as I was, and trying to keep me together while he was falling apart right along with me.

In my memories you were always sweet and calm. I’m told that you were hell on wheels the first couple of years, but those memories are not mine. You made me cry at times, you made me crazy at times, and you made me laugh and you kissed my tears and you let me bury my head in your soft beautiful fur when things got nuts in my life. You loved me at my best, and at my worst. And I loved you more.

My beautiful boy.

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