isn’t this supposed to get easier? Whoever said that, lied.

The meltdowns this week have been epic

I finally got the “letters testamentary” in the mail from the court. I cried for at least 1/2 hour. Something so terribly final about this. I will call the bank on Monday, make a few phone calls, close out the last of his accounts and transfer everything to the estate, and then to me. I feel like I’m wiping out his existence.

I sorted his t-shirts, finally. I kept all his Harley shirts, because my neigbor, the Farmer, wears the same size as the Bear, and while I’m happy to give him Bear’s clothes, I don’t think I could take seeing someone else wear those t-shirts, though. I may make a quilt from some of them, some are brand new so I may eventually sell them.

There is so much stuff! His son has gone no contact, apparently. Am I sad? Not really. Things that I know the Bear would want him to have will go in a box and be delivered at some point, and stored in the basement till then. (I refused to co-sign a loan for him, hence the no contact) I am petty, and I admit it, but I’m not petty enough to refuse to give a guy his grandfather’s pocket watch. The watch I bought for his dad, that’s a different story.

So I know that I’m going to continue to piss people off and I’m kind of not caring about it. Bear told me “the vultures will circle.” He was right. However, I’ve got very good friends who are watching out for me, and keeping the vultures at bay. I have, a few times, said “I’m considering give so and so something………..” and been told, “nope, no you’re not.” I have given them permission to do this because I know that my brain is still not functioning correctly. And I’m grateful for their help

In other news, Maverick has pretty much healed from the hot spot that he gave himself from overzealous humping of the his humpy pillow. His drooling while wearing the cone so that he could heal cause a great deal of wet fur around his neck and now he has some massive mats that will have to be cut out. His groomer will deal with that, I’m afraid I’d cut him. Half of his rear end is shaved and now his mane will be half shaved. I told him he’s going to look like a hobo. He doesn’t give a fuck – he is totally honey badger.

The weekend was a battle of wills with him. While I was at church, and then lunch with a friend who is walking the same path as I am, he managed to get the cone half off. When I got home, chaos erupted. He is going to put me in the asylum.

And then I had the last of the beef soup for supper. I cried with every bite. Bear will never again make me what we called Bear soup, because no one made it like he did. I do know his recipe, but it won’t be the same. He was my soup maker, every year when I went to NY, I came home to a bit pot of chicken corn soup, There are still several containers of that in the freezer, and I will cry when I eat the last of it.

Today I have my second eye checkup. Since both eyes are done, they’ve balanced out and it’s freaking amazing. Everything is so clear! I do need reading glasses, so I plan to stop at Dollar Tree on the way home. I may get some good ones from the doctor but that won’t be for a few months, they tell me it takes that long for everything to totally settle.

And it’s phone calls today because the fun never ends.