I used the gel stuff last night and the Systane drops multiple times during the day, woke up with very little pain so that’s a good thing. I’m still blurry and it’s frustrating because I was so clear the day after. I’m hearing that this is normal and so is light sensitivity. It’s getting better so I’m putting that worry on the back burner for awhile.

One of the things you’re not prepared for with grief is doing shit like this alone. I keep thinking, “If my Bear was here, this would be so much easier!” Did he spoil me? Well, yes, as a matter of fact, he did. We took care of each other. When he was sick, I knew when he needed something and when he wanted left alone. He knew that I need comforting and would hold me till I fell asleep, or make me food. One time he made mac and cheese for me. Later I told him it was really good, (it wasn’t) and he said, “well, it wasn’t as creamy as yours.” I said, knowing the answer, “How much milk did you use?” There was a pause, and then, “I was supposed to put milk in it?” (The man had never made anything but boxed crap, so for him to actually make something from scratch was a testament to how much he cared)

And Maverick. He would talk me off the ledge when I was ready to call an ambulance for Maverick (and I don’t understand why there isn’t such a thing). Now I worry and fret and get myself, and Maverick, into a tizzy. That one I’m learning to do better.

I’m cutting blocks for the two quilts, and that too is different. I have always, when making a quilt with blocks of different patterns and colors, laid it out on the floor and then called in the Bear, “I need an opinion.” He would stop whatever he was doing, come in, look it all over, and then tell me, “move that one in the right corner to the second row, third block in, move that to the 5th row, 4th block in, ” etc. And it would always work better his way. I expect there will be tears when I lay this one out.

And crying makes my eye hurt. I think I need a nap.