“how was your day?” Something no one thinks about asking, really. My answer has become, “sucked less than yesterday, but still sucked!” or something along those lines.

All the days are bad. There’s no way to get around the truth of that and anyone who tells you otherwise is either lying or on drugs. They’re bad, in all different ways. Are there some bright lights shining through the bad? Yes, there are, but some days those lights are dimmer than others.

I sold the car that I moved to PA with. My mom bought me that car, 25 years ago. It is past hoopdee stage and well into junkyard stage but still, memories wash over me. It’s a car, nothing more, a car that doesn’t run and isn’t worth fixing. So I took a picture as it went away and I’ll put it in the scrapbook and cry a bit, and it’s one less thing to worry about. It made me cry, and then it was like a weight lifted – a part of my past is gone, yes, but that part has been gone for 20 years, the car was just a symbol.

Maverick was home for a few days because someone does not understand, after 8 long years, that one should not jump on people because they might move and you might land wrong and hurt your paw. Dumbass limped for a day, was better on Monday and could probably go to daycare Tuesday, but Mommah is a bit overprotective. I’m half way regretting it because he’s bored and making me crazy already. However, it’s better to have one day of crazy than 6 weeks in a crate because he actually hurts himself. And he won’t learn a thing, next time we have company, he’ll try to jump on people. Sigh

Life is lifing these days. Probate should soon be over, and I will take care of some things that have been put on hold. We had planned to pay off our mortgage this year, and I know I should get that done, but I’m struggling with it. It’s so final. And, I bought the champagne to celebrate over a year ago, planning that we would drink it together, on the porch, knowing that we made our dream come true. I don’t know if I can do that alone yet. I have a big bottle, and a small bottle, and I’m quite certain I could finish up either of them, but perhaps it would be best to stick to the small bottle if I do this thing alone. I’m thinking I will, it was mine and Bear’s dream, I don’t want to share the moment with anyone else – or the tears.

And the blows have continued to come. My dear friend, known to all as Momma Joan, decided she had completed her garden and went to be with her beloved Penny. There has been no service, her family is waiting till Spring, so every time I drive by her house, every day, I think I should stop and visit awhile and it hits all over again.

Two years ago, we buried the sister who was my second mother. She, too, was a widow. She also was extremely wise. I so wish I could talk to her about all this. I feel like she would – maybe – know what I should be doing.

In better news – I took two teenagers to church on Sunday. Neither had been to church very many times, but they wanted to go and see what this was all about. On the way home, the younger of the two told me she not only wants to go back, she wants to be baptized. Score one for the good guys! We then attended my first ever Trunk or Treat. I did not get candy. I feel slightly slighted.

So many changes. I went for groceries today. I bought broccoli – something Bear hated. I also bought yellow squash, something else he hated. (If it didn’t go in the Fry Daddy, he really didn’t consider it food, for the most part.) (And anything green was obviously moldy) And I find myself saying, “you can do whatever you want now.”

I wish that were true. What I want is to be held in his arms while I cry this out. All the losses over the years, all were made easier when I was in his arms. No hug will ever be the same as the ones he gave me so freely. My heart yearns, and I picture the day that I’ll run to him in Heaven, and get those hugs that I need so badly.

Well, geesh, way to make yourself cry!