I’ve never had an ATM card, debit card, whatever. I’ve never needed one. Bear went to the bank every week, with his MAC card, and came home with money – which we pronounced “Mun-ay” because of a guy who worked with him at Harley. One of those silly jokes that married couples share, that makes no sense to anyone else. Yesterday I went to the bank and ordered a MAC card, then cried in the car for 10 minutes.

I always told him I didn’t know how to do anything. That was another joke between us, I had all the education, he had all the knowledge of how to actually do things like fix stuff. He told me one day that he wouldn’t mind dying but he knew I didn’t know how to do anything, and he was worried about that. (Our neighbor came to visit him the day before Mark passed and reassured him that there were plenty of people in my life who would make sure I was taken care of It eased him, visibly, although by then he was nonresponsive) (And they have taken care of me, by the way)

So this is one of the steps to starting my life without him. Baby steps are all I can manage. I still haven’t figured out what i’m supposed to do with car titles but I’ll manage. Because I have friends who know what to do.

Sadness is often overwhelming. Maverick and I tend to stare at the TV in the evenings a lot – something not like us at all Last night he brought me a ball and we played for awhile – a sign of normal returning. Not that things will ever be normal again.

We’re figuring it out. Because my mom didn’t raise weak women.