a year went by

Last year, I was so deeply mourning Max, so lost in grief that I thought I’d never smile again.

And a few miles down the road, you were being born. A little red ball of fur, who would wrap his paws around my arm, and lift my shattered heart back into the light.

I’ve fought my way out of the darkness of those days. I’m not all the way out, there are times when I still dissolve at the memories, those last pain filled days of fighting so hard to keep Max alive, to somehow beat the unbeatable, of wanting it to end and dreading the moment that I would have to make that decision.

He was my Monster Boy. You are my Little One. He was a big, blonde, curly boy, who just glowed with love and peace. You are my reddish blonde, curly haired kid, with so much energy and so much curiosity and so much life and joy that you make me laugh even when you try my patience to the limit. (Please stop fighting the harness, it’s not going to kill you, I promise)

I didn’t want to love you this much. I didn’t want to let myself be open to the pain of losing you. You won’t have that, though – you will climb into my lap, and nose boop me and kiss my face, and bite my ankles and let me know in every possible way that I am YOUR Mommah, and you are my Little One.

I will love you forever. Happy Birthday, my Little One.