a road I never wanted to walk

a path that’s so unfair

a dog that’s so very loved, who has given so much joy, brought so much peace and healing

cannot be healed

we can only help him live the last days with joy, give him dignity, give him peace

my heart is shattered

i hear myself telling people that I’m grateful for the time we’ve had, the ten and a half years we’ve had, the so many more years than some people get.   And I see myself smiling at him and telling him he’s a good boy because he’s leaning on me and telling me how much he loves me as only he can.

I see how my husband is breaking in two.   He can’t fix this, he can’t fix Max, he can’t fix me.

We are Max’s people.  That’s how we define ourselves.  I am Max’s mom.  People don’t know me when he’s not with me.   I don’t know who I am without him

I have found friendship and love in places I didn’t expect through this.   Some I thought cared have proven otherwise.   Some I didn’t suspect have shown me the depths of their hearts.

I know the road before us will be dark at times.  I know there will be times when I look at him and think that they’re wrong, he’s fine, he’s perfect.   And there will be times of despair.   I trust our vet, I trust him and Max to tell me when the darkness overcomes the light and it’s time to let him go.   When that day comes, let me mourn, let me grieve, hold my hand, let me cry on your shoulder, do not expect me to be strong and brave.   I’ll be strong tomorrow.   Tonight, I break.