A post started – and an accidental deletion

Sigh

I’m tired.  I finished the quilt tonight.  It felt like the end – of a big project, and of a friendship.  I’m sad.   I miss the days of calling each other every day, and talking for an hour.  I miss the time spent together.  I miss having someone to call friend.  
I remember how excited I was that day – when we got in the car after walking at the park – and I said to Max, “we have a friend!”   I had been so lonely – and fighting it – and denying it – because I chose this life, I chose to leave what I had known and come here and make a new life with my Bear.  I’ve been happy.  I’ve am loved.   My life is good.   

But I miss having a female friend.   I could say I don’t know how we drifted apart, but I do know.  It was after Duke died.  And after Zeke came along.   There’s been less and less time for me.  

So I thought about going back home this summer.   I thought about why I wanted to go back, and what it would cost, both monetarily and physically.  I can’t do it.  I don’t like that I can’t do it.  I could do the money part, we have no problems there, even thought I spend like a fool most days.   I just can’t do it – my chest hurts when I drive too much.  So that’s that.