I’m 4 years old in this picture. My sister is 15. One of my friends edited it for me, and without realizing it, added angel wings.
I want to write that little girl, that 4 year old, a letter. I want to tell her to cling even tighter to her big sister because the day will come when she can’t. But she’s 4, she’d have no idea why someone would tell her that the person who was there every minute of her life, who took her everywhere and bought her her first Barbie and taught her that Elvis was great and James Dean was cool, and that love lasts forever, even if you get married and move away and have kids and they seem to come first – they don’t, it’s always you and her – that someday that person would be gone.
She left on October 17th. I called her nearly every Thursday – and I didn’t realize that I stored up bits of gossip and general information all week to tell her during those calls. In her last few years, she rarely got out, she had limited mobility and a great lack of patience 🙂 So I asked her about the family history – and I’m realizing now I didn’t ask enough questions because, dammit, Nancy would always be there to answer any questions I had. Oh, and to tell me the juicy parts of stories that were kept secret from a 4 year old!
I know she’s still with me. I hear her voice and hear her telling me to knock it off, get on with it, she’ll see me again. I know that in my head, but my heart is saying something different.
She loved Christmas. I was going to cancel Christmas this year because my heart is just so broken. And then I realized that that was no way to honor her memory. Or my mom’s, who also loved Christmas. So in spite of family drama on the other side of the road, and my broken heart, my house is going to be decorated within an inch of its life. The tree – artificial because we’re not rich enough to pay $100 for a tree we’ll throw out in a few weeks – will come up from the basement this weekend. The Hallmark animated figures will come out and find places. The garland will drape around the bannisters. And the chocolate creams will be made and eaten, along with a pumpkin roll and cookies.
And I’ll cry, but I’ll laugh and tell stories to Maverick about when I was that four year old whose big sister gave her anything she wanted. Bear will laugh at us and we’ll play Elvis’ Christmas album because Nancy loved Elvis.
And it will be okay. Little four year old Susan? It will be okay. But I really wish I could hug my sister one more time.
Suziecreamcheese Sings the Blues 
If only the heart could feel what the brain knows, it would be so much easier. Maybe spend a little time this Christmas writing down family stories to tell a different four year old who will someday want to know? ❤️🥹
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s a really good idea. Some are x-rated so will need a warning label!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hee hee! Those will become the family favorites! 🤣
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so sorry for your heavy heart. Love and loss are very complicated things. Sometimes we can muster a smile and laughter at favorite memories and sometimes times it’s very heavy and causes tears to flow. Altho time (much time) will help ease some of the pain and let us have those smiles at memories, there will always be the missing part that causes tears to leak out, but with time they will comes less often. My heavy parts are round Mother’s day and his birthday. Sending love and prayers for peace.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. Mother’s Day – the whole month of May – is tough. The price of great love is great grief. I hold tight to the knowledge that I will be with her again but I miss her terribly at the same time. Thank you for your kind words- it really does help
LikeLiked by 1 person
For some reason it doesn’t let me like the comment, but I do. :). Grief is not a fun part of love :(. But I also hold tight to seeing my son again.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ll check the settings. Have you read Imagine the God of Heaven? That book reaffirmed my faith in God and that we will be reunited. It will be a glorious reunion, of that I’m sure
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m very grateful for the Savior and all he has done to provide a way for us to return to Our Father in Heaven. I too look forward to the glorious reunion!
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL it let me like it!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so very sorry.
LikeLiked by 1 person