In my infinite wisdom, I helped the department chair choose a new text book, from a new publisher, this semester. I spent the summer reading and making notes and creating videos from this new text book. When the semester began, I had completed 6 out of 10 chapters. I have one chapter left to do, and a few days before it opens for my online students.
And I have no ambition whatsoever. Maybe it’s because I’m (still) battling this cold. Maybe it’s because I’ve lost my joy in teaching. Many things are going on at my college, and for the first time in 15 years, I wasn’t asked to teach a class on campus next semester. I’ve had several long talks with myself about this, but the feelings of hurt and disrespect have yet to dissipate.
When I was a kid, I was always the last chosen for any team. I was quite unathletic, preferring a book to a ball any day. (My mother would have to shove me out the door in the summer, and I would have my book in hand, searching for a bug free spot to sit and read till she let me come back inside) (She wasn’t meaning to punish me, she just wanted me to get some fresh air) (And may have been tired of working around me, I would be planted in one spot all day unless she forced me to move)
Even then, even though I didn’t want to play on their stupid teams, it hurt to not be chosen. It hurt to hear, “you take her this time, we got stuck with her last time!” I don’t blame the other kids, kids say stupid shit and I honestly wouldn’t have wanted me on my team either. I sucked. But I remember how it felt. And that’s how this feels.
So, I’ve kind of got a bad attitude. And yet, I’ll get it done. And hopefully it will be better next semester. I’m kind of looking forward to it – I’m teaching online so I can spend an hour a day catching up on emails and grading and never have to leave the house unless I want to. Snow days? Piffle, I’m not getting out of my jammies.
And maybe I’ll finally get this wild puppy on a schedule of some sort
I totally get that. I was/ am a bookish sort. My mother forced me outside (no book) and to ‘play dates’. I hope there is a logical reason for the scheduling.
There’s a lot of stuff going on at my college, and a lot of politics – academia is a hotbed of intrigue that can rival any soap opera some days. My parents were both readers, so I think that’s why I got away with taking the book outside! And I had a ton of cousins who lived on my road and I got plenty of play time!
If it was going to happen, not having to deal going out in brutal weather is the right time! I’m sure your determination will override the temporary attitude. And yes, it always hurts to not be ‘chosen’ no matter what it’s for. Wishing you peace and acceptance.
thank you for this!
You know, you’re missing the simple, logical approach of just lowering your expectations for yourself. I find it works wonders.
I expect to be able to nap all day and I’m severely disappointed every single day
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